Bipolar and Good News

I've been pondering some on the last post I wrote.  About the common denominator thing.  Having a mental illness hasn't made dating easy.  Some guys just can't accept drama and sometimes a bipolar woman has alot of drama.  And then sometimes I would tell guys too early in the relationship about me having it and they would bolt.  Then other times I would wait months and some guys don't even believe in mental illness!  Like Tom Cruise. And about 3 of my exes.  Anywho I don't wanna talk about being bipolar.  When I'm stable, I don't talk about it and I feel like a normal person for a change.  But I do really hope God blesses me with a patient and understanding man.  Until then I'll just have to be content with my chronic singleness.  And invest in a dildo.

I have a consultation with a bariatric surgeon coming up so that's exciting and kinda scary.  Oh and I got selected for jury duty which I am so excited about!  I don't know I've always wanted jury duty...I'm weird like that.  I used to want to be a lawyer but someone told me I was too goofy to be a lawyer.  But I really do have a serious, studious side. 

The song playing - She's a Little Bipolar - was written by my friend Dan Deel celebrating bipolar disorder. 😊
Check out his music!
https://www.reverbnation.com/dandeel

And here is the video for the song 😎

Dreams and Things

Do you ever have dreams of past lovers?  Like real intense, vivid dreams and then you wake up but hurry and try to go back to sleep to keep dreaming about them.  Sometimes I even have dreams where I'm like seducing past lovers but for some reason I don't dream of sex, just like foreplay.  Seems like I always wake up before the sex which sucks.  Ha!  But why do we dream about people that have left our lives years and years ago?  I'm going to have to do research about that because I don't even want to be dreaming about certain people because you know in life you have to move on and put on your big girl panties and grow up and get over people who didn't share the same feelings for you as you had for them.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe you still dream of past unrequited lovers because that love was never reciprocated and somewhere in your brain and soul it wants a happy ending.  I don't know....but it's something to ponder.
There are certain songs I can't listen too.  I have a photographic memory so when certain songs come on there's like a slideshow of pictures going on in my mind of where I was with a person when that song played.  Movies are sometimes like that.  If someone wants to watch a movie, it can't be one I saw in the theater or any place with a past lover.  Sheesh.  I have issues.

I've been thinking alot of why I'm still single.  I'm the common denominator (as Dr. Phil says) in all my failed relationships.  And I used to be so picky!  A good guy once really liked me but I stopped dating him because he had webbed toes and would wear flip flops and I couldn't stop staring at his toes.  Then another time this guy from Knoxville came and picked me up and he was wearing a suit and gave me roses and took me out to eat at the Peerless which is expensive.  And we had so much in common and I liked him but he was kinda fat and that was when I was skinny so I stopped seeing him.  Well I guess karma hit me cause now I'm the fat ass that alot of guys aren't cool with.  Which I get.  But anyway, I need to start exercising.  I've gained so much weight it's not even funny.  I mean there's still some guys that I have as friends with benefits..I guess some guys have a fat girl fetish.  But I haven't had a boyfriend since 2008.  That's Eight Fucking Years.  That's sad.

Anyway, maybe I'll make a New Year's Resolution to get fit again.  And stop smoking so much pot.  And maybe not isolate myself so much and get back into my comedy.  And to quit smoking cigarettes.  And stop trying to find a prison pen pal.  (I used to read Craigslist personal ads at night in bed but now I've moved on to these prison pen pal websites cause once I sent a comedy friend a card in jail and it really made his day so I figured maybe I could be an encouragement to some felon.  And fall in love with a bad boy...Ha!  that was a joke.)

Ok that is all. Merry Christmas!  Remember He's the Reason For the Season!

Comedy School Graduation Video

Gosh I can't believe it's been over a year since I've posted anything on here. I went to Comedy School in Charlotte, NC last year at The Comedy Zone and graduated on November 9th so I wanted to share my Graduation video.  I had a mild panic attack in the bathroom before the show and my Klonopin didn't even calm me down.  But I think I did decent.  I still need alot more stage time to overcome my fear of public speaking.  Ugh.  I know you are thinking if I have a fear of public speaking then why the heck do I want to do stand-up comedy.  Well I didn't choose to do comedy.  It chose me.  The man I was in love with got married in 2007, I got extremely manic and started writing pages and pages and then I'm like well this is kind of funny so I have to get on stage.  It's a crazy story I know.  I have tons of crazy stories.  But yeah, I still have a fear of public speaking and I haven't performed since this video because....well I don't know.  I hate the panic attacks.  I hate having to take extra anxiety meds then not timing it right and they don't even help.  Maybe I should try smoking weed before I go up.  I used to take a few shots of Jagermeister but I gave up drinking because it messes with my medication.  But anywho, here's the video.  Comment if you like it! Or if you don't you can comment too.  :-)

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

I started to write a post about my thoughts on the legalization of same sex marriage, but no one really wants to read my opinion and you can log on to Facebook and see a plethora of opinions and rants and raves.  But I will say this because I have gay friends.  If I were gay I would want to marry the woman I was in love with. It kills me that Christians are throwing out Scriptures like they are going to change people's desires and prove that gay marriage is wrong.  So what if you think it's wrong.  I think wearing socks with sandals is wrong but people do it.
I just wish these Christians that are homophobic would stop yapping and think for a minute:  Do you really think we should say to gay people that their lifestyle is an abomination?  Yes, I know the Bible verses.  I was raised in a Southern Baptist church and participated in Bible Drill where you memorize Scripture and compete with your knowledge of the Bible.  But throwing out verses for gay people to read is not going to change who they love.  Some Christians are quite possibly turning people away from God and the church altogether.  As Christians we should show love to EVERYONE of every color, race, and religion.  I've had heated debates with Atheists that led nowhere.  I've had debates with homophobics that led nowhere.  Everyone has opinions.  But just get over it.  It is what it is.  If a gay couple kissing disgusts you, then look away.  If same sex marriage repulses you, don't attend or watch one.  Many of these over zealous, homophobic Christians are going to be in for a big surprise when they get to Heaven.  I mean seriously people...Do you think only straight people are in Heaven?  Sheesh.  But that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Now on to more important matters.  My sex life.  Or lack thereof.  It's really not an important matter but I have to blog about this.  Mainly because I don't have a therapy appointment until next month and I need to get this off my chest.  ha.
I hadn't had sex in almost 2 years. Until Saturday night.  Last year when I got out of Woodridge, I wanted to get laid so bad just to relieve stress and feel like a normal person.  It almost happened with some dude I met online but it never did.  Then I basically gave up and told myself I would not have sex until I fell in love and was in a relationship.  Well of course that never happened.   Probably because I'm not into the bar/club scene anymore and have removed all my online dating profiles.  And then the lovely depression came over me where I would talk to no one but my cat and the Dominos delivery guy so I never met anyone. So I gave up on having sex and just tried not to think about it and stopped watching anything romantic on TV.  I still haven't seen Fifty Shades of Grey because I would probably log on to "Casual Encounters" on Craigslist after I watched it.  ha.
But isn't your "sexual peak" supposed to be in your 30s?  What's a chronically single girl to do?  Buy a dildo?  It's not the same.  You can't suck on a dildo.  And that's my thing.  Some people like to kiss.  I like to suck dick.
But I digress....the point of all that is to pose a question to my Single friends that might read this blog.  Ok I was raised that you save your virginity for your husband.  The Bible says that.  My grandparents waited until their wedding night.  My parents waited till their wedding night.  My sister waited till her wedding night.  And I was determined to do the same.  But as you know if you read my blog, I didn't.  Oh my - the Pre-Marital sex debates I have heard.  From pastors to my mom to Bible thumping friends.  Yes I fell in love at 21 and had sex.  But then through the years I'll go like 3 years without sex.  Then finally succumb to the horniness.  Then like another 2 years after that.  It's horrible.  I wish I was married so I could have sex every day.  Because let me tell you what happened last night.  I felt like a whore.  Dude (a former fwb) came over, we talked for an hour or so, then went to the bedroom, did the deed, he got off, I did not, and it was done.  A quick cigarette and then the "well sweetheart I gotta go."  Seriously?!?!?!?!  I went to the trouble of getting my va-jay-jay and butt waxed and you don't even go down there OH and after telling me to "make yourself taste good".  I know this is way too much information so feel free to stop reading and I'll probably delete half of the details tomorrow but I'm kinda pissed and this is cathartic.  If I suck your dick, then you should reciprocate.  But me being the "sweetheart" that I am - I wasn't going to be aggressive and say, "Eat my Pussy, Fucker!" and push his head down there.   haha.  Wonder what reaction I would get.  Anyway, I got way off topic.
The question I want to pose to my single friends who are celibate either by choice or in a situation like me is this:  How do you deal with the horniness (other than masturbation)?  Heck far, I could masturbate every day but something is missing. I want a hug.  I want to cuddle.  And caress.  How does a single person deal with lack of affection?  It sucks.  But I know one thing....I'm not doing the booty call anymore.  I thought it would be different.  Hell far at least cuddle with me for one minute.  At least give me time to get off too!  
Anyway, I need to stop writing because it's 5:30 am and I need sleep.
And now I have to rub one out.  Damn you horniness.