He Was Never Mine

 ChatGPT turned my poem into a song and I kinda dig it! 

He Was Never Mine

By Andrea Beth Smith 

[Verse 1]

A beard that’s red and eyes of blue

I miss his laugh and his smile 

He was fucking beautiful — his soul, too

I let down my walls, gave him all of me

Saw him daily, felt like glee

[Chorus]

He was never mine, but I loved him still

Laid my heart down, now I’m climbing this hill

With weed smoke, old songs, and coffee sips

Still taste his name on my lonely lips

But Lord, I know You’ve got a plan so real

So I’ll wait for the one who knows how to feel

[Verse 2]

We sang rap songs, smoked weed in the dawn

I knew damn well he’d be gone

Haven’t touched him since December

But my body, God — it still remembers

He was never mine, just a friend

But I swore my love would never end

[Bridge]

Maybe he was just a southern flame

A beautiful boy with no real name

But You, God, You see my pain

And I know You’ll send real love again

[Final Chorus – Soft/Reflective]

He was never mine, but I loved him deep

Laid awake while he danced through sleep

But I’m letting go — not to forget, but to heal

’Cause I deserve a love that’s honest and real

What is Love

 What is love

Who the fuck knows 

I met a boy 

He looked like an angel. 

I felt a tingle in my toes. 

Been boy crazy since middle school chronically single 

Thiught that love had bid me adieu

Then came you

With that sexy ass smile 

Big boots, red beard, and a Carhartt jacket 

I opened my door

I said to myself OK let’s make this happen 

You never wanted me though 

even though we fucked twice

I know you fucked 100 bitches since but I’ll never forget those nights

I never even kissed you but somehow started praying for you and I don’t know what happened. 

I ask God if this is some cosmic joke.

I’m not eating all I can do is toke. 

Haven’t heard from you in days. 

I hope you change your ways

I saw a future with you

I thought the love was true

But alas

You have a child 

I cannot interfere

but why do I dream about you when you’re not here?

Why can I not get you out of my brain? 

I hate to say it

but I’m going literally insane.

The wine isn’t working 

I’m almost out of weed. 

Nobody will come over in my time of need. 

I’ll be OK God is working at all times. 

See you in Boston my dear

I’ll be making more rhymes

Losing a Muse

February 9th, 2023

He was her muse

She was worried she’d lose

Why does she chase after boys?

Who just want to use her as a toy

She’s not insane

He knows her pain

She doesn’t understand why he was put on her path

She’s never wanted anything more when she heard his laugh

She silently cries in her room

She goes from happy to gloom

She prays for a sign from God

She hopes he’s not a fraud

-Andrea Beth Smith

 I met my ex in 2019 and that's when the verbal abuse started.  I was so in love though that I endured the abuse for 3 years.  

Fast forward to November 2022 and I was in a manic episode.  We had not been intimate in 2 years.  Sleeping in separate bedrooms.

I decided to go to my platonic male friends house on November 27th.  I got home at 3 am.  I didn't think it mattered since he made it clear to me that he didn't want a relationship even though we acted like a couple.  He thought he could control me.  Total narcissist.

I got home at 3:15 am and he gave me the silent treatment for a couple hours.  I was just chilling in the living room listening to music when he came in here and we got into it.  I don't think he believed me that I just went to a friend's house.

Then he gets mad and retreats in his room.

Keep in mind I have bipolar disorder type 1 and he has bipolar type 2 with severe unresolved anger issues.  Also, he's a narcissist, has oppositional defiant disorder, and possibly borderline personality disorder.  He was a felon.  Stabbed a guy once.

I should have seen the red flags but I had love goggles on.

After we argued he came back in the living room .  I was just chilling on the couch.  I could tell he was still mad but he said, "Can I have a hug?"

I opened my arms out to hug him and next thing I know....his hands were around my neck choking me.  Then he put his hands over my mouth and I could not breathe.

He hit me at one point because I had a huge bruise on my upper arm that stayed there for 3 weeks.

We wrestled around in the floor and I finally got away.

I ran to his bedroom and he followed.  We wrestled around some more and then I screamed this tribal scream and I think it scared him back to reality because he was crying and begging me not to call the cops.

He was just in his underwear and ran outside.  

He had knocked my glasses off and took my phone out of my hands so I could not see.  I'm basically blind without glasses.  But I just kept praying to God to let me live and somehow managed to get to the front door and lock him out.  

He called the cops on himself.  I screamed bloody murder out the door before I locked it.  Woke the neighbors because it was 5am.

It was very traumatic.  

Cops came and arrested him.  Took pictures of all my bruises and I had a cut on my face

I've never had a man physically assault me.

I was determined to keep the domestic violence charge on him.  He told me once how he had hit other girlfriends.

But I'm a Christian and started praying about it.  Because I was big time mad at him and mad at the world.

I didn't understand why this happened to me. 

I had been going to church and trying to be good to him, thinking he would change his ways over time.

On February 8th I decided to break the restraining order and email him.

I wanted him to know that I forgave him even though he never apologized.

I felt like God was saying to me since he suffered and died for my sins....that I should forgive a non-believer for their sin against me.

I called the Washington Count Sessions Court that day to see when his next court date was.

It was the next morning, February 9th.

I took that as a sign that I did the right thing.  So I went to court and just wanted to lift the no contact order.  He is a trap music producer and I wanted to pull a Miley Cyrus and rap on one of his beats.

But I guess the prosecutor misunderstood me and thought I wanted to drop the charges.  Keep in mind I was manic and thought God was using me to make a difference in my ex's life.

I signed some paper that I agreed he should have Anger Management classes and now he won't have probation or face jail time. 

I was fine with the decision until I read some of his posts on facebook basically calling me crazy and that he knows I'm losing my $h!t.

Now I'm pissed.

I should have never dropped the charges.

What if he hits another girl?

It will be my fault in a way.

I do stand-up comedy and I've started writing again and plan to get on stage soon.  I sent in an audition for America's Got Talent and also wrote in again to Dr.Phil so I don't know yet how this story ends.

I just thought domestic violence and women being scared and terrified to prosecute their abuser would be a good story.; And I noticed after hearing cases recently in court that alot of women stand by their abuser and don't know how to get out.

I'm glad I got out.  I told my ex I would never kick him out.  And I didn't.

He kicked himself out.

Thanks so much for reading.