I have had one hell of a week. First, I had the best sex I think I've ever had in all my thirty years last weekend. And then, I slipped into full-blown mania. I am feeling somewhat better after a shot in my ass and some samples of psych meds. But I am still very ticked off at my psychiatrist. What fucking psychiatrist takes off for a damn week without an on-call pager or number?
Listen to this shit.
Ok, so I started noticing that I was little hyper last week at work. Last Monday, June 25th, I didn't leave work until 1:30am and didn't get the least bit sleepy till 9am. I thought that was odd, but I've stayed up late like that before and functioned normally. Well then Tuesday night I left work at 1am and thought for sure I'd go to bed early due to only getting a few hours of sleep the night before. But I stayed up until 5:45am Tuesday night! Ok. So Wednesday, I just knew I'd sleep at least 10 hours. But fuck! I forgot about the mandatory staff meeting at 8:30am Thursday morning. So I couldn't take my Trazodone or I would have overslept for the mandatory meeting! Ok, so no Trazodone Wednesday night. And I woke up at 6am wide awake. So I planned on going home and taking a nap that day before I had to be at work at 4pm. But I found out my friend was hit by a car while she was waiting in line to get a burrito. Ain't that some crazy shit? I bet the last thing she thought when she went out to lunch was that a car was gonna break through the glass and hit her. Well anyway, I wanted to go visit her and bring her some gifts because she broke her foot and ankle and was in a cast. So no nap before work. Well then Thursday night I didn't get sleepy until 2:30am. But for some odd reason I woke up at 9am. I felt like shit Friday. But I somehow mustered up the energy to go to work. Ok, then Friday night I was thrilled that I had 2 days off to get my sleep back in order and feel normal before work on Monday. But what happened, you ask? This dude asks me to come over at 5am Saturday morning, So me, being the chronically single and horny girl that I am, go to see dude. I was still thinking that I would a take a nap during the day and be fine. Well the nap never happened. I never got tired! I could tell that I started getting racing thoughts and grandiose ideas. And it didn't help matters that it was such a sunny day and I don't know how, but if I'm out in the sun for a long period of time, it triggers my mania. Well anyway, I could tell that I was hypomanic (the stage before full blown mania) but still I thought I could control it and be fine. Well, I ended up coming back to JC about 4 or 5pm. And I tried to lay down, but it's really hard to even sit still with racing thoughts. Think about an ADD or ADHD child. Like super hyper, jumping from idea to another. Just crazy and restless. So I get the bright idea to drive to Virginia...like past Abingdon and see a show. I didn't get home till 12:30am Sunday morning. So sleep would be the logical thing I did next, right? Fuck no. So I take an extra Trazodone but still felt the racing thoughts and grandiose idealizations. Well, when I finally did sleep, I thought for sure I'd sleep 12 or so hours since I had been up over 40 hours. Fuck no. I woke up at like 9am. Which wasn't bad. So I thought I felt normal and would lay low all day Sunday. So did I lay low? Fuck no. I get asked to go with my friend to a movie. Well I get there and she didn't answer her phone. So I was pissed off and decided to go get a new tattoo I had been wanting. Well I should have known then that something was wrong. Because all FOUR of the tattoos I have...were all done when I was manic or hypomanic. Well after calling like 10 tattoo shops and realizing no one was open on Sunday night, I go see dude. Then dude pisses me off . I tend to get extremely irritable when I'm manic. So I leave dudes at like 4 in the morning thinking I would sleep when I got home because I'd already taken my medication. Did I sleep? Fuck no. I take enough meds to knock out a horse. But the sleep never came. So since it was 8am and I was still up, I call to make an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist so I can get my meds adjusted and function normally at work. That is what I normally do when I'm manic. Before the mania leads to psychosis and I wind up in a psychiatric hospital. Well, the psychiatrist and mental health nurse practitioner I see were out all week due to the holiday. Fuck my life. So the lovely receptionist tells me I would have to go to the ER. I thought I would forgo the ER since this wasn't an emergency yet. I mean, I was crazy manic and unable to sleep even after taking my psych meds, but I didn't think it was a true emergency! And plus I have to pay a $200 copay anytime I go to the ER.
Soooooo.....I go see my regular nurse practitioner thinking she would be able to write me a script for something that would make me sleep and I'd be on my way. Did that happen? Fuck no. She said she couldn't help me because she couldn't prescribe the high dosage of my psych med that I needed to actually make me sleep. So she called the ER and told me I needed to go there ASAP. But then she didn't want me to drive. I tend to drive like fuckin Danica Patrick anyway when I'm manic, so I was ok with calling my parents to pick me up and drive me. Well, this was at 10:30am in the morning, and my parents sleep in till after noon. So after calling them 20 times, I realized that I was shit out of luck. I was gonna have to drive. The nurse came in to ask me who else she could call besides my parents and I lost it. For some reason I started hysterically crying because I just felt so alone. There wasn't anyone else to call. My best friend was still asleep as were my parents and there was no one else I knew of who would drive to Kingsport just to take me to the ER. I guess I just felt sorry for myself. I was thinking, "Times like this is when I need a boyfriend/significant other that cares enough to pick me up and take me to the ER." I guess the nurse saying "Who else can I call to pick you up?" just triggered some raw emotion inside me that I was alone. Well that didn't help matters now that I was hysterically crying. And I heard the nurse out in the hall talking to the doctor. Well, in between my sobbing, I found this small Bible in my purse so I opened it. I used to be big on signs. But after reading the "When God Winks" books by Squire Rushnell, I now believe signs are "GodWinks." This is how Mr. Rushnell describes a GodWink.
"A godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"
What do godwinks mean? Think about when you were a kid and someone you loved gave you a little wink across the dining room table...Mom or Dad or Grandma. You didn't say "What do you mean by that?" You knew. It meant: "Hey kid, I'm thinking about you right now." That's what a godwink is too: a message of reassurance from above, directly to you, out of six billion people on the planet, saying "Hey kid...I'm thinking of you! Keep the faith! You're never alone."~
www.whengodwinks.com
So I take out this small New Testament Bible and this is what I read.....
Psalms 40
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
but my ears you have opened
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”
but my ears you have opened
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”
9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.
I just thought that was awesome. I knew God was with me. Here I was in the doctor's office, feeling so low and distraught that no one could come pick me up and take me to the ER. But after reading that passage in Psalms, I just felt so much peace and was reassured that God was in control. Shortly after, my best friend woke up and she came to Kingsport and took me to the ER. The nurse had left a message on my parents' cell phones, so then my parents came and drove me home.
But still for a a few days, I was still crazy manic. I called the lovely receptionist again at my psychiatrist's office and went off. I said, "Look, I'm not going to go to the ER every day and pay $200 each time when they can't even help me." She said that was my only option since my psychiatrist was off all week, so I said, "Well thank you so much for your help. I will be finding a new psychiatrist. You have a great day." Well, I guess me being a bitch paid off because10 minutes later the lovely receptionist at my psych's office calls back. She had called the psychiatrist (finally) and they did give me samples to increase one of my meds, so I guess that was good. I was still pissed that they didn't do anything Monday morning when I was crying on the phone. I understand that even psychiatrists need time off. But fuckin have an on-call number. Because some poor people can't afford 200 bucks for a trip to the ER.
So anyway, my family doctor did put me off work all week. It hasn't even felt like a week though. Tuesday night, my aunt came over to visit me and I asked her if she went to church. I was thinking it was Sunday. Then on Thursday, my best friend was supposed to come over but got called in to work. And when she called me, I asked her what she wanted to eat and what time she would be at my house. Totally forgetting she had got called in to work an hour before. It's like when I'm manic, I have Alzheimer's! My dad took me to my therapy appointment on Tuesday and when he dropped me off at home, I couldn't find my cigarettes. They were in my hand! I hate feeling crazy. I know I'm not crazy, though. I know bipolar disorder is a mental illness. Or as some like to put it..."a chemical imbalance in the brain". But it sure does suck because I am normally a very intelligent person. And I just feel so stupid when I don't even know what day it is!
Tuesday night I thought I was going to have to do inpatient treatment at a psychiatric hospital, but I called Woodridge and knew the person who answered the phone. I ended up getting Peninsula's number in Knoxville. But when I called Mobile Crisis in Knoxville, they said I was out of their district and couldn't help. But the lady was super nice and we talked for over 30 minutes. I went from sobbing hysterically to laughing by the end of the call, so Thank God I didn't have to admit myself in the looney bin.
I know I've been cussing alot and basically being in super bitch mode this week. But the good Lord has watched over me, and I feel as if my relationship with Him is stronger that ever. I've been reading my Bible alot this week, and I just know God will carry me through any struggles I go through. Looking back, it could have been a lot worse. I could have succumbed to the suicidal thoughts I had on Tuesday night. I just wanted to take all the pills I had and go to sleep and never wake up. But I just kept thinking that would kill my poor 70 year old parents. Especially my mom. Her mom, my grandmother Elsie, was manic-depressive also. So she's been around the bipolar craziness for many, many years. And my mom has been an RN for over 40 years. So she gets me. And my best friend Jessica is a RN. I have a lot of people in the medical field around me, so that helps a lot. My sister is a doctor, but bless her heart, I think I've asked her so many questions over the years, she just doesn't respond to my texts much anymore.
But anyway, I'm doing better now. I still am not sleeping that much. But the racing thoughts have lessened and I'm not having the grandiose ideals. Please continue to pray for me as I get back to being stable and functioning normally. I am excited to get back to work because I truly do love my job. I feel as if I can relate to the ladies there in treatment. Not for the addictions to drugs or alcohol, but some ladies also have mental illnesses along with addiction issues. They all really like me and I enjoy making them smile. I try to show them empathy because that is how I would want to be treated. I think this week at home has been good, not only to DE-stress, but to restore my compassion for others so I can be a good tech at the ol' rehab.
I've lived with bipolar disorder for almost 10 years, so I'm somewhat used to the roller coaster ride. Hopefully I can prevent another relapse by taking my meds at the same time every night and getting adequate sleep. I think I'm going to abstain from sex also. Having sex when I have feelings for a guy, definitely triggers my mania. I start thinking "OMG I'm In Love" and "OMG He's The One", but I've got to realize there is a big difference between Love and Lust. So I'll just go back to being the Good Little Celibate Girl....who only masturbates.
♥
No comments:
Post a Comment