Bipolar Disorder is a Bitch.

 I have had one hell of a week.  First, I had the best sex I think I've ever had in all my thirty years last weekend.  And then, I slipped into full-blown mania.  I am feeling somewhat better after a shot in my ass and some samples of psych meds.  But I am still very ticked off at my psychiatrist.  What fucking psychiatrist takes off for a damn week without an on-call pager or number?

Listen to this shit.

Ok, so I started noticing that I was little hyper last week at work.  Last Monday, June 25th, I didn't leave work until 1:30am and didn't get the least bit sleepy till 9am.  I thought that was odd, but I've stayed up late like that before and functioned normally.  Well then Tuesday night I left work at 1am and thought for sure I'd go to bed early due to only getting a few hours of sleep the night before.  But I stayed up until 5:45am Tuesday night!  Ok.  So Wednesday, I just knew I'd sleep at least 10 hours.  But fuck!  I forgot about the mandatory staff meeting at 8:30am Thursday morning.  So I couldn't take my Trazodone or I would have overslept for the mandatory meeting!  Ok, so no Trazodone Wednesday night.  And I woke up at 6am wide awake.  So I planned on going home and taking a nap that day before I had to be at work at 4pm.  But I found out my friend was hit by a car while she was waiting in line to get a burrito.  Ain't that some crazy shit?  I bet the last thing she thought when she went out to lunch was that a car was gonna break through the glass and hit her.  Well anyway, I wanted to go visit her and bring her some gifts because she broke her foot and ankle and was in a cast.  So no nap before work.  Well then Thursday night I didn't get sleepy until 2:30am.  But for some odd reason I woke up at 9am.  I felt like shit Friday.  But I somehow mustered up the energy to go to work.  Ok, then Friday night I was thrilled that I had 2 days off to get my sleep back in order and feel normal before work on Monday.  But what happened, you ask?  This dude asks me to come over at 5am Saturday morning,  So me, being the chronically single and horny girl that I am, go to see dude.  I was still thinking that I would a take a nap during the day and be fine.  Well the nap never happened. I never got tired!  I could tell that I started getting racing thoughts and grandiose ideas.  And it didn't help matters that it was such a sunny day and I don't know how, but if I'm out in the sun for a long period of time, it triggers my mania.  Well anyway, I could tell that I was hypomanic (the stage before full blown mania) but still I thought I could control it and be fine.  Well, I ended up coming back to JC about 4 or 5pm.  And I tried to lay down, but it's really hard to even sit still with racing thoughts.  Think about an ADD or ADHD child.  Like super hyper, jumping from idea to another.  Just crazy and restless.  So I get the bright idea to drive to Virginia...like past Abingdon and see a show.  I didn't get home till 12:30am Sunday morning.  So sleep would be the logical thing I did next, right?  Fuck no.  So I take an extra Trazodone but still felt the racing thoughts and grandiose idealizations.  Well, when I finally did sleep, I thought for sure I'd sleep 12 or so hours since I had been up over 40 hours.  Fuck no.  I woke up at like 9am.  Which wasn't bad.  So I thought I felt normal and would lay low all day Sunday.  So did I lay low?  Fuck no.  I get asked to go with my friend to a movie.  Well I get there and she didn't answer her phone.  So I was pissed off and decided to go get a new tattoo I had been wanting.  Well I should have known then that something was wrong.  Because all FOUR of the tattoos I have...were all done when I was manic or hypomanic.  Well after calling like 10 tattoo shops and realizing no one was open on Sunday night, I go see dude.  Then dude pisses me off .  I tend to get extremely irritable when I'm manic.  So I leave dudes at like 4 in the morning thinking I would sleep when I got home because I'd already taken my medication.  Did I sleep?  Fuck no.  I take enough meds to knock out a horse.  But the sleep never came.  So since it was 8am and I was still up, I call to make an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist so I can get my meds adjusted and function normally at work.  That is what I normally do when I'm manic.  Before the mania leads to psychosis and I wind up in a psychiatric hospital.  Well, the psychiatrist and mental health nurse practitioner I see were out all week due to the holiday.  Fuck my life.  So the lovely receptionist tells me I would have to go to the ER.  I thought I would forgo the ER since this wasn't an emergency yet.  I mean, I was crazy manic and unable to sleep even after taking my psych meds, but I didn't think it was a true emergency!  And plus I have to pay a $200 copay anytime I go to the ER.

Soooooo.....I go see my regular nurse practitioner thinking she would be able to write me a script for something that would make me sleep and I'd be on my way.  Did that happen?  Fuck no.  She said she couldn't help me because she couldn't prescribe the high dosage of my psych med that I needed to actually make me sleep.  So she called the ER and told me I needed to go there ASAP.  But then she didn't want me to drive.  I tend to drive like fuckin Danica Patrick anyway when I'm manic, so I was ok with calling my parents to pick me up and drive me.  Well, this was at 10:30am in the morning, and my parents sleep in till after noon.  So after calling them 20 times, I realized that I was shit out of luck.  I was gonna have to drive.  The nurse came in to ask me who else she could call besides my parents and I lost it.  For some reason I started hysterically crying because I just felt so alone.  There wasn't anyone else to call.  My best friend was still asleep as were my parents and there was no one else I knew of  who would drive to Kingsport just to take me to the ER.  I guess I just felt sorry for myself.  I was thinking, "Times like this is when I need a boyfriend/significant other that cares enough to pick me up and take me to the ER."  I guess the nurse saying "Who else can I call to pick you up?" just triggered some raw emotion inside me that I was alone.  Well that didn't help matters now that I was hysterically crying.  And I heard the nurse out in the hall talking to the doctor.  Well, in between my sobbing, I found this small Bible in my purse so I opened it.  I used to be big on signs.  But after reading the "When God Winks" books by Squire Rushnell, I now believe signs are "GodWinks."  This is how Mr. Rushnell describes a GodWink.

"A godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"
What do godwinks mean? Think about when you were a kid and someone you loved gave you a little wink across the dining room table...Mom or Dad or Grandma. You didn't say "What do you mean by that?" You knew. It meant: "Hey kid, I'm thinking about you right now." That's what a godwink is too: a message of reassurance from above, directly to you, out of six billion people on the planet, saying "Hey kid...I'm thinking of you! Keep the faith! You're never alone."~ 
www.whengodwinks.com

So I take out this small New Testament Bible and this is what I read.....

 Psalms 40

 ¹ I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

⁴ Blessed is the one
    who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.
⁵ Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
    but my ears you have opened
    burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
    it is written about me in the scroll.
⁸ I desire to do your will, my God;
    your law is within my heart.”

⁹ I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
    I do not seal my lips, Lord,
    as you know.
¹⁰ I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
    I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
    from the great assembly.

¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
    may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
    my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
    and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, Lord;
    come quickly, Lord, to help me.

¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
    be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
    be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
    be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek you
    rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
    “The Lord is great!”

¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
    may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
    you are my God, do not delay. 

I just thought that was awesome.  I knew God was with me.  Here I was in the doctor's office, feeling so low and distraught that no one could come pick me up and take me to the ER.  But after reading that passage in Psalms, I just felt so much peace and was reassured that God was in control.  Shortly after, my best friend woke up and she came to Kingsport and took me to the ER.  The nurse had left a message on my parents' cell phones, so then my parents came and drove me home.  

But still for a a few days, I was still crazy manic.  I called the lovely receptionist again at my psychiatrist's office and went off.  I said, "Look, I'm not going to go to the ER every day and pay $200 each time when they can't even help me."  She said that was my only option since my psychiatrist was off all week, so I said, "Well thank you so much for your help.  I will be finding a new psychiatrist.  You have a great day."  Well, I guess me being a bitch paid off because10 minutes later the lovely receptionist at my psych's office calls back.  She had called the psychiatrist (finally) and they did give me samples to increase one of my meds, so I guess that was good.  I was still pissed that they didn't do anything Monday morning when I was crying on the phone.  I understand that even psychiatrists need time off.  But fuckin have an on-call number.  Because some poor people can't afford 200 bucks for a trip to the ER.  


So anyway, my family doctor did put me off work all week.  It hasn't even felt like a week though.  Tuesday night, my aunt came over to visit me and I asked her if she went to church.  I was thinking it was Sunday.  Then on Thursday, my best friend was supposed to come over but got called in to work.  And when she called me, I asked her what she wanted to eat and what time she would be at my house.  Totally forgetting she had got called in to work an hour before.  It's like when I'm manic, I have Alzheimer's!  My dad took me to my therapy appointment on Tuesday and when he dropped me off at home, I couldn't find my cigarettes.  They were in my hand!  I hate feeling crazy.  I know I'm not crazy, though.  I know bipolar disorder is a mental illness.  Or as some like to put it..."a chemical imbalance in the brain".  But it sure does suck because I am normally a very intelligent person.  And I just feel so stupid when I don't even know what day it is!  


Tuesday night I thought I was going to have to do inpatient treatment at a psychiatric hospital, but I called Woodridge and knew the person who answered the phone.  I ended up getting Peninsula's number in Knoxville.  But when I called Mobile Crisis in Knoxville, they said I was out of their district and couldn't help.  But the lady was super nice and we talked for over 30 minutes.  I went from sobbing hysterically to laughing by the end of the call, so Thank God I didn't have to admit myself in the looney bin.  


I know I've been cussing alot and basically being in super bitch mode this week.  But the good Lord has watched over me, and I feel as if my relationship with Him is stronger that ever.  I've been reading my Bible alot this week, and I just know God will carry me through any struggles I go through.  Looking back, it could have been a lot worse.  I could have succumbed to the suicidal thoughts I had on Tuesday night.  I just wanted to take all the pills I had and go to sleep and never wake up.  But I just kept thinking that would kill my poor 70 year old parents.  Especially my mom.  Her mom, my grandmother Elsie, was manic-depressive also.  So she's been around the bipolar craziness for many, many years.  And my mom has been an RN for over 40 years.  So she gets me.  And my best friend Jessica is a RN.  I have a lot of people in the medical field around me, so that helps a lot.  My sister is a doctor, but bless her heart, I think I've asked her so many questions over the years, she just doesn't respond to my texts much anymore.


But anyway, I'm doing better now.  I still am not sleeping that much.  But the racing thoughts have lessened and I'm not having the grandiose ideals.  Please continue to pray for me as I get back to being stable and functioning normally.  I am excited to get back to work because I truly do love my job.  I feel as if I can relate to the ladies there in treatment.  Not for the addictions to drugs or alcohol, but some ladies also have mental illnesses along with addiction issues.  They all really like me and I enjoy making them smile.  I try to show them empathy because that is how I would want to be treated.  I think this week at home has been good, not only to DE-stress, but to restore my compassion for others so I can be a good tech at the ol' rehab. 

I've lived with bipolar disorder for almost 10 years, so I'm somewhat used to the roller coaster ride.  Hopefully I can prevent another relapse by taking my meds at the same time every night and getting adequate sleep.  I think I'm going to abstain from sex also.  Having sex when I have feelings for a guy, definitely triggers my mania.  I start thinking "OMG I'm In Love" and "OMG He's The One", but I've got to realize there is a big difference between Love and Lust.  So I'll just go back to being the Good Little Celibate Girl....who only masturbates. 

♥

Ridin' Solo, Bitches.

Ok so picture this.  New Year's Eve.  I'm sitting on the couch perusing profiles of single men on match.com.  I had already searched Craigslist personal ads thinking surely some dude was wanting a date for NYE.  But to no avail, I finally had to accept the fact that I was "dateless" on NYE.  That didn't bother me much, though, because I'm used to being single.  It was just odd that none of my friends wanted to hang out or go out.  Probably because most of them are "coupled up".  

Ok so anyway, I had sent this cute guy on match.com an email and I was just sure he would reply.  But a few minutes later, I received one of those computer generated emails that said, "Thanks, BUT....Some people just don't know a good thing...."username" appreciates your taking the time to let him know you're interested, but doesn't think you're a good match for him. Don't be discouraged. Magic happens when you least expect it. With millions of singles on Match.com, you could be just one click away from finding someone who's right for you."

Now I have received plenty of those stupid generic emails, but only to guys I winked at.  I was so pissed off that I had emailed this dude....a nice long email nonetheless....and instead of taking the time to reply....he sends me that generic response.  I was just so mad and frustrated....I started crying.  The tears just came.  Here it was NYE and I had no plans and no one to bring in the New Year with.  So after about 3 minutes of throwing a little pity party for myself, I got mad.  I said to myself, "Self:  This is fucking stupid.  Get off your ass and get in the shower and fucking go somewhere."  So I went over and turned up my stereo to this rap radio station on like volume 20.  My whole condo was vibrating due to the bass.  It was great.  I didn't give a fuck if my neighbors came over to tell me to turn it down like they have done before.  I didn't give a fuck about anything.....I danced around naked and was having fun.

So I shower and start whoring it up for my big night out.  I put on this shirt I bought over a year ago that I had never wore because it was partially see thru...but I didn't care.  I didn't obsess about what to wear like I normally do.  I found a pair of Silver jeans I had bought on ebay, but couldn't fit in.  But after about 10 minutes of struggle and finally deciding to wear no panties so they would fit better.....I got the jeans on!  Woo Hoo!  They were slightly cutting off circulation, but after dancing around my condo for a while....They were starting to loosen up and I was happy.  

So it was about 10:30pm when I head out the door.  I had decided to go to Fanatics to sing some karaoke. I get there, though, and there is not a single parking space.  I ended up parking at the movie theatre and walking pretty far to get to the bar.  I go inside and immediately feel out of place.  There are couples, groups of 10 or more....and I just felt self-conscious about showing up alone.  But I go to the bar to get a drink and there just happened to be one seat left at the bar.  I down half of a Miller Lite and consider leaving after I finish it.  But then I start talking to this nice lady beside me and she asks if I would save her seat while her and her friend go out and smoke.  I obliged and ordered another beer and started feeling better. So the lady comes back and I ask her to save my seat while I go and smoke.  Well, this is where the night gets interesting.....

I had noticed this white limo parked in front of the hotel and bar.  This dude in a suit comes up to me and asks if I want a ride.  He said he was taking tips to ride people around the block or take them wherever.  I told him I only had $5 and he said that was fine to get in and he'd take me for a ride.  So I was so excited to ride in a limo because I hadn't ridden in one since the 8th grade when I sold the most fundraising crap and won a ride in a limo with my friends to the 8th grade dance.  Anyway, dude starts semi-flirting with me, telling me I was pretty, and that I could have any man I wanted, and he couldn't believe I was dateless on NYE.  Well then he asks if I would give him a hug if he pulled over.  I told him I had Mace.  So he drove me back to the bar.  Well I ended up giving him a hug and thanked him for the discounted ride.  

I get back in the bar at 11:56pm.....just in time to get my free glass of champagne and toast in the New Year with the nice lady and her friend sitting beside me.  I chose not to watch the couples playing tonsil hockey all around the room and watched NYC celebrating on the tvs.  My eyes got a little misty and I had to hold back tears because even though I didn't want to admit it...I was alone on NYE.....again.  I read an article earlier in the day that said, "Every New Year's Eve you're Single brings you closer to the New Year's when you won't be."  That was encouraging, but still, I have my doubts.

Anyway, the slightly creepy limo driver comes inside and finds me and wishes me a Happy New Year.  I start telling my new found friend beside me that I thought it was odd that his limo service had no name, no business card, no nothing.  She agrees that it is weird and I probably shouldn't have went for a ride with the dude by myself.  But I'm enjoying listening to people sing karaoke.  I go put in to sing a song.  Then, limo driver dude comes back in and starts chatting with me again.  He points out a guy across the bar and says he is single also and 29 years old.  I found it rather odd that this dude I don't even know was trying to hook me up with random guys.  So I ask him what the single guy's name was.  He said his name was Adam.  So I shout across the bar, "Hey, is your name Adam??"  And this guy looks at me like I'm crazy and says no.  Then his girlfriend comes and stands beside him and gives me this look that could kill.  So I decided to start yelling at the Limo driver dude so this girl can hear me.  I am not a big confrontation person, but I was so embarrased that I had yelled across the bar at a guy I thought was alone.....but ended up not being "Adam" and being attached.  I don't even remember what I said to the limo driver dude, but basically I told him to get lost and that he was freaking me out. I just found it weird and creepy that a guy that doesn't even know me took it upon himself to try to hook me up with strange men then ended up lying about the guy's name and his relationship status.  Oh, and did I mention limo driver dude was married.  Yeah, for 14 years.  Fucking Married Men....I wish they'd fuck off.....maybe go fuck their wife for a change.

So the drama was over and the night was coming to a close.  I go up and belted out "What's Up" by 4 Non-Blondes to a few people still hanging around.  Then I headed home.  I stayed up till 8am watching the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You" and eating ice cream.  

But overall, my NYE wasn't too bad.  I was proud of myself that I went out by myself because I normally don't do that.  I ended up having fun even though the limo driver dude kinda creeped me out.  But I love spontaneous stuff like that.  It's exciting to go out and not know what's going to happen or who you are going to meet.  Planned events are so monotonous.  You know who you are going out with and specifically what you are doing.  But I like just going with the flow and seeing what happens.  I thought it was serendipitous that when I had got out of my car I was walking towards the Electric Cowboy thinking I might have more luck there at meeting a guy, but then I changed directions and decided to go with my original plan of doing karaoke.  Who the fuck cares about meeting some drunk guy that just wants to get in my pants.  I think that has been my problem in the past.  I would go out with my girls and I just knew that I was going to meet Mr. Right.....or Mr. Right Now.  And then when I didn't meet anyone, I would be disappointed and vow never to go out again.  I set my expectations way too high and ended up crying in my pillow.  So it was refreshing to go out not even wanting to meet a guy....and just let loose, have a couple beers, and enjoy the night.  

So with all that said, I have decided on a few New Year's Resolutions:

To live life to the fullest and be more spontaneous.  To not sit at home on my nights off and have a pity party because I'm single and have no one to hang out with.  To not be afraid to grab the bull by the horns and go out alone.  To not be afraid to start conversations with people.  To not set such high expectations and think that I'm going to meet a guy every time I go out.  To not worry about the new guy I meet on Match.com being my future husband or just a friend.  To not be envious of my single friends that meet their Mr. Wonderful.  To just live my life, go with the flow, and not worry that I'm almost 30 and no where close to settling down.  To pursue my educational goals but not worry if it takes me another 5 years to get my bachelors.  And to get back on stage with confidence and make people laugh with all my crazy, quirky stories!

Those resolutions are a whole lot better than my usual:  Lose weight.  I do want to lose weight, but I don't want it as much as my nurse mother and sister doctor want me to lose it.  I want to get to the point where I want to lose weight for ME only and not to please others.  I am getting comfortable with my plumpness and I have found that some guys are still attracted to me and my big booty.  And I get laid just as much as I did when I was skinny so, ha!

I'm excited about 2012.  Twelve is my lucky number so I'm excited to see what the year brings.  I am proud of my new outlook on life and love.  I've wasted too many years feeling sorry for myself that I am so unlucky in love.  Who cares if I'm 30 and still single?   I bet there are some people my age that wish they were unattached.  I can do whatever the hell I want, with whoever the hell I want to do it with, and go wherever the hell I want to go.  

So here's to the New Year!  A new year, A new me.  New possibilities, New people, and No planning!!!

Blow Jobs and Jesus

In the words of John Lennon:

"So this is Christmas, and What have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun..."

I freaking love that song. It makes me reminisce on the year and the events that occured. And hope to God next year will be better.

So I'm feeling very Grinch-like this Christmas season. I didn't even send out my annual Christmas cards. Last year, I wrote one of those "letters that tells every detail that happened in your life that year" and sent it out to like 50 people. I got 4 Christmas cards back in return. I just wasn't feeling it this year. And I've actually received more Christmas cards this year than when I send them out. Ha.

But anyway, I sat down to write a letter, but 2011 wasn't a very good year for me. What the hell would I put?

Let's see what my year consisted of: 

•  I quit my rehab job 
• Got hired at a psychiatric hospital that I once was a patient at 
• Got discriminated against after they found out I have bipolar disorder 
• Started getting unemployment until my former employer fought it 
• Got manic, Like full blown mania. Not pretty. 
• Started doing stand-up comedy again
• Did a whole 10 minutes on stage on my love for blow jobs and Jesus 
• Vowed never to do stand-up again (Preaching about Jesus then showing the audience how to suck a good dick just doesn't mesh well)   

Umm....what else......

• Unemployed for like 7 months. 
• Contemplated suicide. Depressed as fuck. 
• Got a new job at a different, and better rehab (Yay!) 
• Adjusted to working graveyard (Yuck.) 
• About to file bankruptcy as soon as I can get my lazy ass to fill out all the paperwork 
• Deleted my Facebook page. (Seriously, I don't need that shit.)

Yeah, that's about my year in a nutshell. I don't think that my parents' church friends would like a letter like that. But I have learned a lot about life, love, and myself this year

 Here are some things I have learned in 2011:

• I've learned that the key to celibacy is to masturbate daily. 
• I've learned that Craigslist is not a good place to meet your future husband or find a one-night stand 
• I've learned that some friends are in your life for a season, and sometimes it's best to let them out of your life when they no longer make the same effort you do
• I've learned to be more patient with my elderly parents 
• I've learned to accept that my dad is going to call me every night at 11pm to make sure I'm up for work even if I tell him not to
• I've learned to do my own laundry (well, Mom still helps me out sometimes when I let it pile up for 6 months)
• I've learned that a 29-year-old on match.com does not get the same kind of responses as a 21-year-old 
• I've learned that I am morbidly obese and abuse tobacco (According to the doctor) 
• I've learned that it's ok to be almost 30 and not married or dating 
• I've learned that I probably am not going to have kids
• I've learned that as much as you want to rekindle old flames, sometimes it's just not meant to be 
• I've learned not to loan money to comedians who just want to fuck you
• I've learned that when I'm manic I should not mention God to people because I get in this "super-zealous-psychotic-I'm gonna be an evangelist" mode and try to give everyone the steps to Salvation and then I end up sucking their dick or something crazy like that. 

And....lastly.... I've learned that God loves me no matter if I'm good, bad, or psychotic...and even if I have no one to talk to, He's always with me and He always listens. And he knows that I cuss, that I tend to be impulsive, that I have fellatio withdrawals, that I sometimes smoke 2 packs a day, and that I'm addicted to food, and He still loves me! Amazing, huh?

So yeah, thanks for reading my ramblings. I need to print this out and take it to my next therapist appointment. I have to have a list of things when I go see my therapist or I go off on tangents and start talking about fetishes I have.

I'll leave you with a Christmas quote by my favorite comedian and if you think it's blasphemous then fuck off.

"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
 ~ Jim Gaffigan

LOVE FINDING ME....

I've never known true love. Reciprocated love. All I've known in my 28 years is Unrequited Love.

I did have one man tell me he loved me 3 years ago...but I found out he cheated on me the entire time we dated. So I don't count that as love. It was a short romance, and I'm glad we went our separate ways.

I don't know why I like to chase after men. I guess I like the challenge. But men are supposed to be the ones pursuing women! I shouldn't have to be buying a guy presents or a MOTORCYCLE to prove to him my feelings. I'm just thinking about all these past 4 years that I prayed that God would open this man's eyes and reveal to him that we would be great together. What a waste!

I'm so glad God has opened my eyes and let me see that love is not love, unless it is reciprocated! I loved in vain...and unrequited love is a bitch. Pure hell. Knowing you care for and love that one person...and they only see you as a friend.

But I am turning over a new leaf. This time I'm letting love find me. I finally got off all those stupid online dating sites....8 years was enough! I don't even want to meet a man online. I want to have a good story to tell the grandkids!

I am realizing that you can't always get what you want...in love or life. But God has a plan for my life...including who I will marry. I'm not going to be that desperate girl anymore constantly seeking love and affection. I've lived alone now for over 5 years....and sure I get lonely at times. But I'd rather be single and lonely than married and miserable.

I see so many of my friends get married, and then find out their spouse was a cheater or a physical or emotional abuser. I used to hate being single. But I've become content with my single status. My parents have been married 46 years, and although they don't have a perfect marriage...they put God first and are committed to each other.

I think some girls have a timeline on when they want to get married and have kids. But that's stupid. Why not just live your life to the fullest and then when you least expect it...that special someone will come into your life and will fit like a missing puzzle piece.

I think it's exciting to know that I could meet my future husband tomorrow...or maybe 5 years from now. I don't know...but God does.

I'm over the "friend zone." I deserve more than that. And if a guy hasn't realized in 4 years that I'm someone special...then he can get lost. I don't need friends like that. I'm not going to continue to hang out with a guy...when I have developed feelings for him...but he doesn't have any feelings for me beyond friendship!

I can't believe I have been holding on to this guy, praying that one day he might see me in a different light. I've wasted years, tears, and MONEY!

I am moving on. I've dated men who like big women. And if I want to lose weight, I will do it...but I'm sure as hell not going to lose weight for a man to date me!

So this blog is just to let some people know that yes, I once was that girl stuck in the friend zone wishing for more. But sometimes in life, you have to cut your losses and move on!

Here's to finding a good man who will love me for ME! And not be shallow and superficial and only want to date perfect Christian Barbie Dolls!

I feel empowered! I've passed up good men who actually want to date me...because I was holding on to some Momma's Boy!

I am just going to keep performing my stand up every chance I get and not worry about finding a man! This time I'm letting LOVE FIND ME!