I Love Me Some Jesus

I've been on a Jesus kick lately.  I haven't been to church in about a year.  ha.  But I watch Joyce Meyer on TV and also Joel Osteen and sometimes T.D. Jakes and Creflo Dollar.  That Creflo is pretty cool.  He preaches on weed sometimes though and I guess I feel convicted so I don't watch him much...ha.  Since getting fired from the rehab in 2013, I kinda have been a stoner.  I think it's a plant and not a drug.  But still....I think it would be odd if someone asked me about my relationship with God and then they find out I'm kinda a pothead.  But anywho, I digress... I'll save that for my therapist. 

I love church, but I don't like going alone.  My mom is always telling me to go to church to meet a man.  But you don't just walk up to a man after Sunday School and start flirting!  Or go and sit beside some cute guy for the sermon.  I've tried that...and a wife always appears out of nowhere.

I don't know.  I'm content with my chronic singleness for the most part.  I'll be 33 in May.  That sounds so old.  What if I'm 40 and still single sitting at home on a Saturday night with my cat and my weed?  oh my  :-/

I've been listening to more Christian music lately.  I think it's cool that you can worship God at home by belting out your favorite hymns or finding worship music on YouTube.  You can have church at home!  I've always liked Contemporary Christian music.  dC Talk was my very first concert way back in the day.  I can do the whole rap in that song "Jesus Freak".  I used to be a little overzealous about religion. Then in my 20s, I turned away from God for awhile.  I remember I once went to church after snorting cocaine all night.  I know that sounds horrible, but I remember even though I was doing drugs and around shady people, I still searched for God through the highs and lows.  In the lows, it was easier to reach out to God.  But in the highs, it was harder to reach out to Him because of clouded thinking and guilt I guess.  But me and Jesus have a great relationship today.  Since I live alone, we talk a lot. :-)

I'm really getting into that show A.D. The Bible Continues.  It airs Sunday nights on NBC.  I thought it might be boring like so many other realistic Bible shows in the past but it's not.  I'm learning so much too and some stories I remember from Sunday School as a child.  But it has made me want to read my Bible more which is good.  I think we all slack a little in that area.  Except my mom.  She reads the Bible everyday and has a devotion.  She's been doing that her whole life.  She's like a Saint.  I call her Saint Glenda.  ha.  I tried having a devotion in the morning but that lasted like 3 days.  Then I tried to do it at night but I got on a Golden Girls kick and yeah...I admit I'd rather watch TV at night than read my Bible.  I need to work on that.  I need to work on a lot of things. 

I've been thinking how amazing it is that I'm still alive.  God has brought me through so many obstacles.  I wish I had time to list them all.  I want to finish a book I started writing years ago but I'm a procrastinator so that probably won't happen.

I shared some good worship songs on my playlist.  Lauren Daigle is someone new to me.  I found a bunch of her doing covers of Christian songs on YouTube and I love to sing them.  The first one "Lord, I Need You" is special to me.  Matt Maher and Kristian Stanfill originally did the song for a Passion Conference.  It's based on one of my favorite old hymns and I think it's just wonderful.  The song is special to me because I would sing it when I was in the psychiatric hospital with no hope.  I would rock in bed at night and quietly sing it.  Hope you all like it!

I have a lot more to say but I need to do my taxes.  See, I'm a total procrastinator!  ha.

If you know of any cool worship songs or Contemporary Christian songs, please share in the comments.  I love finding new songs to add to my Worship music playlist on YouTube.  Ciao!

Yay Me!

I started a new job today!!  Yay me!! Oh and a biggie....  I'm losing weight!  I'm doing Jenny Craig and lost 14 pounds so far.  The food is delicious but I miss "real food".  Ha.  (Sometimes I still secretly have a McDouble but shhh...they are just so good!)

Lots of good things are happening and I'm glad because a year without working and then the crazy psychotic manic episode and hospitalization in April.  Then I crashed into a depression and basically stayed inside for 3 months and just talked to my mom.  Ugh.

But with much prayer, meds, and therapy - the highs and lows of this haunting mental illness have subsided somewhat.  I am much more even-keeled and not some 'crazy bipolar bitch thats off her meds'.  ha.  I'm bipolar so I can joke about it.  :-)

I miss stand-up.  My anxiety just makes it too hard to do it. But I will return to it someday I'm sure because it's just in me.  I have to do it.  I just do. 

Anywho, just wanted to update my 4 followers. hehe.  Thanks for following!  :-)

♥ From Sadness To The Stage ♥

I never thought the day would come when I’d be handcuffed in the back of a police car. The symptoms started when I was 18, but I chose to ignore them. My senior year of high school I began not being able to function and attend school. I had always made good grades, but suddenly I wasn't even able to get out of bed. I was sent to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for adolescents and diagnosed with depression.  I was so embarrassed when everyone in my senior class found out about my trip to the “looney bin.”   But I managed to graduate with a 3.9 GPA andI went on to college, but began having trouble concentrating.   Instead of making my usual straight A’s, I was struggling to pass. I would go on shopping sprees and go for a week with  almost no sleep. Then there would be times where I would stay in bed for days.  Small tasks like showers became impossible and although I wasn't suicidal, I started focusing on death.  I thought my death would be good because I would go to Heaven and meet Jesus, but I kept thinking my mom would miss me and then I didn't even know how I would even come up with a suicide plan  I had delusional thoughts an d an over-confidence and felt as if I could conquer the world!In the back of my mind I had diagnosed myself with bipolar disorder. My major in college was psychology so I knew I had all the symptoms. However, I was in denial and instead of seeking help, I started self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I felt like as long as I could get high, I could escape from reality and not have to deal with my emotional problems.          

During this time, I met a man at work and started falling in love.  I was suddenly happy and I became manic and then my mania became worse because now I had lost my virginity and thought I had found Mr. Right!  I had been up for about a week straight and that led to the worst day of my life. I don’t know how someone can be in touch with reality one hour then slip into a psychotic state the next, but as I recall, that’s how it happened. After breaking windows and basically destroying my parents’ house and jumping in a pond, I called the cops and went on a rant and cussed them  and hung up. Of course they sent an officer to respond and after being handcuffed then put in a straightjacket, I was sent to a psychiatric hospital and diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 at the age of 21.  I was held against my will for Ten days.  Yes, 10 Days.  It was pure hell.  There were nice nurses and doctors, but one nurse had it out for me and one night when I couldn't stop crying she paged the doctor at 3 am and next thing I know, I was escorted to a padded room.  Just because I couldn't stop crying.  
When I got out of the psych hospital, I thought I could return to my normal life with the guy I was crazy about.  But  he disappeared as soon as he got word that I had to go to a mental hospital. I felt so alone. Not only was I having to accept the fact that I was bipolar, a college dropout, and without a job, but now someone I thought had cared for me didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I truly thought that no guy would ever want to be in a relationship with me because I would be too much "drama".  But I still had hope.  I knew God had a plan and that not every day is going to be sunshine and roses and not every guy is going to fall in love with me and share the same feelings.  So I started praying and asking God to help me get through the days and weeks to come.    I tried to move on with life, but in 2007, finding out about my unrequited lover’s marriage led to another manic episode and a change in my psychotropic medications.  I was beginning to get  fired from good jobs because I was so out of touch with reality that I couldn’t even function at work.  After I came down from the mania, I decided it was time to let go and let God. I watch Joyce Meyer every morning and one morning she said "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat.”  So I joined a gym and managed to lose 50 pounds. I kept a full-time job and enrolled back in school studying psychology. I had been seeing a therapist and taking my medication daily, but I still needed something more.

So I started writing. First I started writing out my thoughts. But then I looked at my writings and decided it was time to speak up and tell my thoughts to the world. So I put together about 5 minutes of material and went to my first open mic night at a comedy club. I was so nervous, but I absolutely loved it! I found that it was incredibly cathartic being on stage, even more so than talking to my therapist! The more I got on stage, I could tell that my self-esteem slowly started building back up. I can’t recall when I’ve ever been that happy! 

In September of 2013 I was fired for the seventh time from an Alcohol and Drug Rehab.  I am taking that as a sign from Our Creator that I should pursue my stand-up comedy career.  I now try to find the humor in each situation I go through. And most importantly, I now understand that there is nothing wrong with me!   Bipolar disorder is just a chemical imbalance in the brain. If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with me because of that, then they are the one with the problem. I deserve more than just a "friends with benefits / fuck buddy" relationship. Now I look forward to meeting someone to share my future with that will accept me for who I am, mental illness and all!  And you know what?  I never would have started doing stand-up comedy if it weren't for the racing thoughts in my head caused by bipolar disorder. I like being bipolar. It makes me quirky and I like being quirky!   I’m so glad I decided to stand up and speak out and let people know that it doesn’t matter if you’re a little “crazy.” Being “crazy” pays!

Let It Go

By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.

And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.


And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you .......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed......

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.

GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!


LET IT GO!!!


Get Right or Get Left think about it, and then ....

LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"