Love or Mania?

It's been 10 years since I've had a man. Like a boyfriend. And I thought I might be sick of him by now because I'm so used to being a loner but I'm really likin' it. But me and my mania have always had issues with the giddy shit taking over and then comes hypomania and then mania or is it love like what the fuck is it. If I ever finish those 3 semesters then get my Masters (which I don't see happening since it's taken over 18 years to get my Bachelors and I think you have to complete your Masters in 2) I want to write my thesis on Mania and Love. No wonder I've scared so many men off, like I get it. That's why now that I got a man that's almost as crazy as me,  I...what the fuck I was watching SNL...this is what I'm talking about. When you see someone like everyday they get in your head and then you listen to love songs and look at sexual memes. Y'all pray I get in with my new psychiatrist soon and stay the fuck away from Woodridge. haha. I can't even focus enough to watch tv. #slightlybipolar

Well, I wrote that last May when I had a boyfriend for a brief 2 months.  I swear I don't get why I can't do relationships sometimes.  I was really sad...almost devastated...when that relationship ended but I thought I'd bounce back fast and get on with life.  I didn't know it would send me to a really dark place and a crippling depression for months.  I am feeling much better though but really should get back into seeing a therapist. 

I start seeing a personal trainer today.  I'm so fat it's not even funny anymore.  I can't believe I went from 160lbs to in the 300's.  That's disgusting to me.  I used to be so active.  Now I just want to sit around all the time.  I hope he starts me out slow though cause I can't handle like a vigourous workout right now...I'm just too big and it affects my breathing.  I need to quit smoking so much.  Not weed.  Just cigs.  I have an oral fixation though and always need to be eating or smoking or chomping on something.  

I'm gonna try to start blogging more and using this to vent like I would to a therapist.  It helps my mental illness.  Thanks for reading!  Stay tuned for more to come soon!