Mister Molester

I'm really glad I reported my molestation to the police 2 years ago. It was right before the Me Too Movement. Perfect timing.
A lady cop came over and sat on my couch and listened to the whole story and even though it had been too many years for him to get in trouble with the law, I felt a weight lifted and like I wasn't ashamed of it anymore.
I pray for him these days. If he did it to me, then I'm sure he's done it to others.
Men, just because a woman comes over and passes out drunk on your couch doesn't give you the right to touch her and certainly not pull down her pants and try to please her. Seems like common sense but men are pigs. Well, there's a few good ones left. But that shit fucks us women up. Especially if we have mental issues already. Fuck

Bipolar and Celebrities

I wish more celebrities would follow my fellow bipolar sistas Demi Lovato and Bebe Rexha and would be more open about their mental health struggles. Like Britney Spears. We all know she's bipolar. Hell far, once I about shaved my head too. And the umbrella incident....you could just tell by the look on her face she had reached psychosis. I once tackled my friend for really no reason and acted crazy. Then another time I ended up in a straight jacket. Psychosis is being out of touch with reality. But you remember what you did when your moods finally level out. 

I pray I'm never psychotic again. I take an anti-psychotic so I'm praying it keeps me out of good ol' Woodridge. I love this mania right now though. I don't think I'm full blown manic. Just hypomania. But it's like it's better than the high you get from any drug. And you don't want to come down. It's an amazing feeling that you want to last forever....

I love Euphoria. Loathe Depression

I love euphoria. Loathe depression.
Sleep is needed. But I have questions.
Questions that need answered
Stories that need to be told
I keep reading His Word
but then I don't want to be bold.
Why is God so far away
When you need him the most
I feel crazy in the head
But also want to boast
I scare all men away
No wonder I'm still single
Wanna settle down
Tired of all the minglin'
Want a Christian man
With a slight wild streak
I hope he doesn't find out.
That I am a freak.

-Andrea Beth Smith
9-16-19

Love or Mania?

It's been 10 years since I've had a man. Like a boyfriend. And I thought I might be sick of him by now because I'm so used to being a loner but I'm really likin' it. But me and my mania have always had issues with the giddy shit taking over and then comes hypomania and then mania or is it love like what the fuck is it. If I ever finish those 3 semesters then get my Masters (which I don't see happening since it's taken over 18 years to get my Bachelors and I think you have to complete your Masters in 2) I want to write my thesis on Mania and Love. No wonder I've scared so many men off, like I get it. That's why now that I got a man that's almost as crazy as me,  I...what the fuck I was watching SNL...this is what I'm talking about. When you see someone like everyday they get in your head and then you listen to love songs and look at sexual memes. Y'all pray I get in with my new psychiatrist soon and stay the fuck away from Woodridge. haha. I can't even focus enough to watch tv. #slightlybipolar

Well, I wrote that last May when I had a boyfriend for a brief 2 months.  I swear I don't get why I can't do relationships sometimes.  I was really sad...almost devastated...when that relationship ended but I thought I'd bounce back fast and get on with life.  I didn't know it would send me to a really dark place and a crippling depression for months.  I am feeling much better though but really should get back into seeing a therapist. 

I start seeing a personal trainer today.  I'm so fat it's not even funny anymore.  I can't believe I went from 160lbs to in the 300's.  That's disgusting to me.  I used to be so active.  Now I just want to sit around all the time.  I hope he starts me out slow though cause I can't handle like a vigourous workout right now...I'm just too big and it affects my breathing.  I need to quit smoking so much.  Not weed.  Just cigs.  I have an oral fixation though and always need to be eating or smoking or chomping on something.  

I'm gonna try to start blogging more and using this to vent like I would to a therapist.  It helps my mental illness.  Thanks for reading!  Stay tuned for more to come soon!