"So this is Christmas, and What have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun..."
I freaking love that song. It makes me reminisce on the year and the events that occured. And hope to God next year will be better.
So I'm feeling very Grinch-like this Christmas season. I didn't even send out my annual Christmas cards. Last year, I wrote one of those "letters that tells every detail that happened in your life that year" and sent it out to like 50 people. I got 4 Christmas cards back in return. I just wasn't feeling it this year. And I've actually received more Christmas cards this year than when I send them out. Ha.
But anyway, I sat down to write a letter, but 2011 wasn't a very good year for me. What the hell would I put?
Let's see what my year consisted of:
I quit my rehab job
Got hired at a psychiatric hospital that I once was a patient at
Got discriminated against after they found out I have bipolar disorder
Started getting unemployment until my former employer fought it
Got manic, Like full blown mania. Not pretty.
Started doing stand-up comedy again
Did a whole 10 minutes on stage on my love for blow jobs and Jesus
Vowed never to do stand-up again (Preaching about Jesus then showing the audience how to suck a good dick just doesn't mesh well)
Umm....what else......
Unemployed for like 7 months.
Contemplated suicide. Depressed as fuck.
Got a new job at a different, and better rehab (Yay!)
Adjusted to working graveyard (Yuck.)
About to file bankruptcy as soon as I can get my lazy ass to fill out all the paperwork
Deleted my Facebook page. (Seriously, I don't need that shit.)
Yeah, that's about my year in a nutshell. I don't think that my parents' church friends would like a letter like that.
But I have learned a lot about life, love, and myself this year
Here are some things I have learned in 2011:
I've learned that the key to celibacy is to masturbate daily.
I've learned that Craigslist is not a good place to meet your future husband or find a one-night stand
I've learned that some friends are in your life for a season, and sometimes it's best to let them out of your life when they no longer make the same effort you do
I've learned to be more patient with my elderly parents
I've learned to accept that my dad is going to call me every night at 11pm to make sure I'm up for work even if I tell him not to
I've learned to do my own laundry (well, Mom still helps me out sometimes when I let it pile up for 6 months)
I've learned that a 29-year-old on match.com does not get the same kind of responses as a 21-year-old
I've learned that I am morbidly obese and abuse tobacco (According to the doctor)
I've learned that it's ok to be almost 30 and not married or dating
I've learned that I probably am not going to have kids
I've learned that as much as you want to rekindle old flames, sometimes it's just not meant to be
I've learned not to loan money to comedians who just want to fuck you
I've learned that when I'm manic I should not mention God to people because I get in this "super-zealous-psychotic-I'm gonna be an evangelist" mode and try to give everyone the steps to Salvation and then I end up sucking their dick or something crazy like that.
And....lastly....
I've learned that God loves me no matter if I'm good, bad, or psychotic...and even if I have no one to talk to, He's always with me and He always listens.
And he knows that I cuss, that I tend to be impulsive, that I have fellatio withdrawals, that I sometimes smoke 2 packs a day, and that I'm addicted to food, and He still loves me! Amazing, huh?
So yeah, thanks for reading my ramblings. I need to print this out and take it to my next therapist appointment. I have to have a list of things when I go see my therapist or I go off on tangents and start talking about fetishes I have.
I'll leave you with a Christmas quote by my favorite comedian and if you think it's blasphemous then fuck off.
"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
~ Jim Gaffigan
I've never known true love. Reciprocated love. All I've known in my 28 years is Unrequited Love.
I did have one man tell me he loved me 3 years ago...but I found out he cheated on me the entire time we dated. So I don't count that as love. It was a short romance, and I'm glad we went our separate ways.
I don't know why I like to chase after men. I guess I like the challenge. But men are supposed to be the ones pursuing women! I shouldn't have to be buying a guy presents or a MOTORCYCLE to prove to him my feelings. I'm just thinking about all these past 4 years that I prayed that God would open this man's eyes and reveal to him that we would be great together. What a waste!
I'm so glad God has opened my eyes and let me see that love is not love, unless it is reciprocated! I loved in vain...and unrequited love is a bitch. Pure hell. Knowing you care for and love that one person...and they only see you as a friend.
But I am turning over a new leaf. This time I'm letting love find me. I finally got off all those stupid online dating sites....8 years was enough! I don't even want to meet a man online. I want to have a good story to tell the grandkids!
I am realizing that you can't always get what you want...in love or life. But God has a plan for my life...including who I will marry. I'm not going to be that desperate girl anymore constantly seeking love and affection. I've lived alone now for over 5 years....and sure I get lonely at times. But I'd rather be single and lonely than married and miserable.
I see so many of my friends get married, and then find out their spouse was a cheater or a physical or emotional abuser. I used to hate being single. But I've become content with my single status. My parents have been married 46 years, and although they don't have a perfect marriage...they put God first and are committed to each other.
I think some girls have a timeline on when they want to get married and have kids. But that's stupid. Why not just live your life to the fullest and then when you least expect it...that special someone will come into your life and will fit like a missing puzzle piece.
I think it's exciting to know that I could meet my future husband tomorrow...or maybe 5 years from now. I don't know...but God does.
I'm over the "friend zone." I deserve more than that. And if a guy hasn't realized in 4 years that I'm someone special...then he can get lost. I don't need friends like that. I'm not going to continue to hang out with a guy...when I have developed feelings for him...but he doesn't have any feelings for me beyond friendship!
I can't believe I have been holding on to this guy, praying that one day he might see me in a different light. I've wasted years, tears, and MONEY!
I am moving on. I've dated men who like big women. And if I want to lose weight, I will do it...but I'm sure as hell not going to lose weight for a man to date me!
So this blog is just to let some people know that yes, I once was that girl stuck in the friend zone wishing for more. But sometimes in life, you have to cut your losses and move on!
Here's to finding a good man who will love me for ME! And not be shallow and superficial and only want to date perfect Christian Barbie Dolls!
I feel empowered! I've passed up good men who actually want to date me...because I was holding on to some Momma's Boy!
I am just going to keep performing my stand up every chance I get and not worry about finding a man! This time I'm letting LOVE FIND ME!
Contemplating life...and love tonight. Just wondering if there is a "soulmate" for everyone that we will eventually meet? Or is it that God places different people in out life that have the potential to be our soulmate..and we chose? Do you think God plans who you will marry at the beginning of your life...or even before you born...did he know? Or is us that does the picking...the choosing...of who we set our heart on and love?
Those are just a few of my questions. I'd like some good advice so feel free to comment. I am a hopeless romantic and definitely believe in soulmates. I think it's serendipitous. I want a love that comes out of nowhere. That is enchanting. That when I meet Mr. Right, I will just know God sent him to me and he is The One. Oh, but what can only hope.
But I digress...
I thought I had found The One at one point in time. I would listen to sappy love songs and daydream about the wedding in my future. Yeah, corny I know. I would write poems never giving them to the said person. I would pray that God would place a desire in his heart for me to be his wife. But alas, it never happened. And I moved on.
The viscous cycle goes on though. I meet someone...I really like them...I have my heart set on them...but they either don't like me or meet someone else. Why is that the guys who I like, don't like me? But the guys that like me, I don't like? That is the million dollar question.
Do I want what I can't have? Do I like the thought of winning someone over? I think I might. That is not good. Men like to chase. They want to be the one to pursue you. But looking back at my life...I've pursued the men...like their a mouse and I'm the cat that POUNCES on them when they least expect it. And scare them away...
Money spent on men...much more than money men have spent on me. Concert tickets, stuffed animals, A FREAKING MOTORCYCLE! Are you joking me? If I have learned one thing in my almost 29 years...it's that you can't buy love. Not even with a brand new Kawasaki Ninja 650R. But it's not just me that's crazy and tries to buy love. I see others do it too. I'm glad I'm not the only one...but Sheesh! You'd think I would learn something and not repeat this viscous cycle...but I do!
I was thinking the other day...I want to be a clinical psychologist and give advice. But I see my own psychologist and get relationship advice! I can't figure out why I'm still single when I have a burning desire to be with someone?!?!
So maybe I should just focus on comedy...and not even desire to be a shrink. It just doesn't make sense to want to give out relationship advice and help fix people...when I can't even figure out myself.
But I digress...
There are alot of things I know and need to change. I think God molds you into the person He wants you to be. He wants you to be your best. And right now...that's not me. I smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day at times....I eat ungodly amounts of food...and I don't exercise. Maybe God is just shaping me into the woman He wants me to become...then when he is done molding and shaping me...He will put The One in my life. Hmm....
Then again maybe I'm just unlucky in love. Maybe I'm one of those people that's called to be single. But how can that be when I have such a yearning to be in a relationship? Doesn't The Bible say that God will give you the desires of your heart if you delight yourself in him? I think so....
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~ Psalm 37:4. What does that mean, you ask? When you pursue the will of God and submit to what He wants you to do, the results will far surpass anything you could imagine for your life. Not only will He put His desires for your life in your heart, He will fulfill them!
So I'm trying to pursue His will for my life? I'm trying to submit to what He wants me to do? But why isn't he fulfilling my desires?
At times I question my faith. Not that God is real. I know that He is. Not that I'm going to heaven. I know that I am. I just question the fact that God is supposed to send me a guy and place him in my life...and I know I'm supposed to wait on His timing...and his timing is perfect...blah, blah, blah....But what on earth is a girl supposed to do in the meantime? Just go years and years without intimacy? Not sex...I can go without that if I have to. I'm talking about spiritual and emotional intimacy with a man!!! Companionship!
That's not found in a one night stand. And yes...I'm not ashamed to admit I've had one. Am I proud of it? No. But hormones take over at times...and it happens to many. Would I prefer casual sex or a committed, monogamous relationship? Well, me being a hopeless romantic...I think you already know the answer to that.
I want someone that I know is mine for the rest of our life here on earth. I want to have someone to buy little cards for when it's just a normal day. I want someone to come home to. To cook for. To care for. To please...
I want someone that encourages me and me them. I want someone by my side in the tough times...when life gets hard. I want someone that I can take off on the back of a motorcycle on a spontaneous trip!
But I digress...
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Doesn't that meen that God has a plan for my life...and that includes a spouse! Maybe I'm taking it out of context...but it says PLANS...plural! So wouldn't that mean plans for what job I'll take, where I'll live, and who I marry?
I used to love reading books about how people met their spouses? "When God Winks On Love" by Squire Rushnell was the best book I ever read. That one and "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Best books ever. I would daydream in between reading that God was going to write me an awesome, serendipitous love story and me and my husband would one day write a book telling our story of how we met and blah, blah, blah.
I've always wanted to write a book. I don't really know about what though.
But I digress...
I guess some questions are never answered until we meet our Maker that one fine day. I guess sometimes the older you get, the more you will understand things...so I'm praying that I get older and wiser. I pray for my future husband...wherever he may be...and I encourage everyone to do the same. This is what I pray...
"Lord you created me. And I believe you created me for marriage. I don’t know the timeline, but I’m asking you to fulfill my desire to be married.
Thank you Lord for this strong desire you’ve placed in my heart. Thank you that you’ve already been where I’m headed and that you know what my future holds. Thank you for marriage and for my future mate. Please be with him and prepare His heart to do your will."
I didn't write that. I think I found it in a book I read. Not really sure. But I love it. It gives me hope. It's like you are already declaring that you are going to get married. You just have to have faith that God will answer your prayer...being it you get what you want or get what God wants you to have.
Well I will wrap this up. Just wanted everyone's opinion on soulmates...and I kind of took off rambling.
I do have a hope for my future. I know God has plan for me...including a Godly man.
I just wish His timing would match mine. But I know it is best to wait on His timing and who He wants for me.
I will end with an inspirational song for the ones wanting to be loved. (It's rather corny, but I like it, so get over it.)
