"So this is Christmas, and What have you done? Another year over, a new one just begun..."
I freaking love that song. It makes me reminisce on the year and the events that occured. And hope to God next year will be better.
So I'm feeling very Grinch-like this Christmas season. I didn't even send out my annual Christmas cards. Last year, I wrote one of those "letters that tells every detail that happened in your life that year" and sent it out to like 50 people. I got 4 Christmas cards back in return. I just wasn't feeling it this year. And I've actually received more Christmas cards this year than when I send them out. Ha.
But anyway, I sat down to write a letter, but 2011 wasn't a very good year for me. What the hell would I put?
Let's see what my year consisted of:
- I quit my rehab job
- Got hired at a psychiatric hospital that I once was a patient at
- Got discriminated against after they found out I have bipolar disorder
- Started getting unemployment until my former employer fought it
- Got manic, Like full blown mania. Not pretty.
- Started doing stand-up comedy again
- Did a whole 10 minutes on stage on my love for blow jobs and Jesus
- Vowed never to do stand-up again (Preaching about Jesus then showing the audience how to suck a good dick just doesn't mesh well)
- Unemployed for like 7 months.
- Contemplated suicide. Depressed as fuck.
- Got a new job at a different, and better rehab (Yay!)
- Adjusted to working graveyard (Yuck.)
- About to file bankruptcy as soon as I can get my lazy ass to fill out all the paperwork
- Deleted my Facebook page. (Seriously, I don't need that shit.)
Here are some things I have learned in 2011:
- I've learned that the key to celibacy is to masturbate daily.
- I've learned that Craigslist is not a good place to meet your future husband or find a one-night stand
- I've learned that some friends are in your life for a season, and sometimes it's best to let them out of your life when they no longer make the same effort you do
- I've learned to be more patient with my elderly parents
- I've learned to accept that my dad is going to call me every night at 11pm to make sure I'm up for work even if I tell him not to
- I've learned to do my own laundry (well, Mom still helps me out sometimes when I let it pile up for 6 months)
- I've learned that a 29-year-old on match.com does not get the same kind of responses as a 21-year-old
- I've learned that I am morbidly obese and abuse tobacco (According to the doctor)
- I've learned that it's ok to be almost 30 and not married or dating
- I've learned that I probably am not going to have kids
- I've learned that as much as you want to rekindle old flames, sometimes it's just not meant to be
- I've learned not to loan money to comedians who just want to fuck you
- I've learned that when I'm manic I should not mention God to people because I get in this "super-zealous-psychotic-I'm gonna be an evangelist" mode and try to give everyone the steps to Salvation and then I end up sucking their dick or something crazy like that.
So yeah, thanks for reading my ramblings. I need to print this out and take it to my next therapist appointment. I have to have a list of things when I go see my therapist or I go off on tangents and start talking about fetishes I have.
I'll leave you with a Christmas quote by my favorite comedian and if you think it's blasphemous then fuck off.
"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
~ Jim Gaffigan
