Fall Foilage and Fellatio

See Beth Smith LIVE in Knoxville on October 25th

I love fall days.  When it's 60 degrees and you open the windows to let the fresh air come in and get rid of the second-hand smokage from your wake and bake.

I love fall days, driving around with the windows down when most people have the heat on but you being slightly obese think it feels great because for once you're not instantaneously sweating when you walk out the door.

I love to watch the leaves fall.  And the neighbors dog taking a shit in front of my back door.

I love fellatio.  But I am giving it up for Lent.  Yes, my friends, I'm sad to say after March 5th, 2014 I will not participate in this act of pleasure anymore.  I am entering a 12-step program called Fellatioholics Anonymous and look forward to the day I can be one year clean from sucking the one-eyed monster.
I am working the First Step now.
I admit that I am powerless over my addiction to the Cock-atoo. 

Don't forget to buy your tickets to come see me perform in Knoxville on Friday, October 25th!!!
Purchase Tickets to See Beth Smith LIVE

From Sadness to the Stage

I never thought the day would come when I’d be handcuffed in the back of a police car. The symptoms started when I was 18, but I chose to ignore them. My senior year of high school I began not being able to function and attend school. I had always made good grades, but suddenly I wasn't even able to get out of bed. I was sent to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for adolescents and diagnosed with depression.  I was so embarrassed when everyone in my senior class found out about my trip to the “looney bin.”   But I managed to graduate with a 3.9 GPA andI went on to college, but began having trouble concentrating.   Instead of making my usual straight A’s, I was struggling to pass. I would go on shopping sprees and go for a week with  almost no sleep. Then there would be times where I would stay in bed for days.  Small tasks like showers became impossible and although I wasn't suicidal, I started focusing on death.  I thought my death would be good because I would go to Heaven and meet Jesus, but I kept thinking my mom would miss me and then I didn't even know how I would even come up with a suicide plan  I had delusional thoughts an d an over-confidence and felt as if I could conquer the world!
In the back of my mind I had diagnosed myself with bipolar disorder. My major in college was psychology so I knew I had all the symptoms. However, I was in denial and instead of seeking help, I started self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I felt like as long as I could get high, I could escape from reality and not have to deal with my emotional problems.          

During this time, I met a man at work and started falling in love.  I was suddenly happy and I became manic and then my mania became worse because now I had lost my virginity and thought I had found Mr. Right!  I had been up for about a week straight and that led to the worst day of my life. I don’t know how someone can be in touch with reality one hour then slip into a psychotic state the next, but as I recall, that’s how it happened. After breaking windows and basically destroying my parents’ house and jumping in a pond, I called the cops and went on a rant and cussed them  and hung up. Of course they sent an officer to respond and after being handcuffed then put in a straightjacket, I was sent to a psychiatric hospital and diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 at the age of 21.  I was held against my will for 7 days.  Yes, Seven Days.  It was pure hell.  There were nice nurses and doctors, but one nurse had it out for me and one night when I couldn't stop crying she paged the doctor at 3 am and next thing I know, I was escorted to a padded room.  Just because I couldn't stop crying.  
When I got out of the psych hospital, I thought I could return to my normal life with the guy I was crazy about.  But  he disappeared as soon as he got word that I had to go to a mental hospital. I felt so alone. Not only was I having to accept the fact that I was bipolar, a college dropout, and without a job, but now someone I thought had cared for me didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I truly thought that no guy would ever want to be in a relationship with me because I would be too much "drama".  But I still had hope.  I knew God had a plan and that not every day is going to be sunshine and roses and not every guy is going to fall in love with me and share the same feelings.  So I started praying and asking God to help me get through the days and weeks to come.    I tried to move on with life, but in 2007, finding out about my unrequited lover’s marriage led to another manic episode and a change in my psychotropic medications.  I was beginning to get  fired from good jobs because I was so out of touch with reality that I couldn’t even function at work.  After I came down from the mania, I decided it was time to let go and let God. I watch Joyce Meyer every morning and one morning she said "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat.”  So I joined a gym and managed to lose 50 pounds. I kept a full-time job and enrolled back in school studying psychology. I had been seeing a therapist and taking my medication daily, but I still needed something more.

So I started writing. First I started writing out my thoughts. But then I looked at my writings and decided it was time to speak up and tell my thoughts to the world. So I put together about 5 minutes of material and went to my first open mic night at a comedy club. I was so nervous, but I absolutely loved it! I found that it was incredibly cathartic being on stage, even more so than talking to my therapist! The more I got on stage, I could tell that my self-esteem slowly started building back up. I can’t recall when I’ve ever been that happy! 

In September of 2013 I was fired for the seventh time from an Alcohol and Drug Rehab.  I am taking that as a sign from Our Creator that I should pursue my stand-up comedy career.  I now try to find the humor in each situation I go through. And most importantly, I now understand that there is nothing wrong with me!   Bipolar disorder is just a chemical imbalance in the brain. If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with me because of that, then they are the one with the problem. I deserve more than just a "friends with benefits / fuck buddy" relationship. Now I look forward to meeting someone to share my future with that will accept me for who I am, mental illness and all!  And you know what?  I never would have started doing stand-up comedy if it weren't for the racing thoughts in my head caused by bipolar disorder. I like being bipolar. It makes me quirky and I like being quirky!   I’m so glad I decided to stand up and speak out and let people know that it doesn’t matter if you’re a little “crazy.” Being “crazy” pays!

Bitch, Please: Five Things Not To Say to a Big Girl

1.       "Omg, look at this muffin top!  I've gained 7 pounds this year!!"  
Bitch, Please.  Try gaining 100 pounds in a year                                                                                   

2.       "I can't believe I went from a size 8 to a 10!  That's a DOUBLE DIGIT!!!"     
Bitch, Please.  Try going from a size 6 to 20.                                                                                      

3.       "I have got to start working out...Look at these THUNDER THIGHS!!!"         
Bitch, Please...your damn thighs aren't supposed to have a gap between them!  Men LOVE more Cushion For The Pushin'!                                                                                                                                

4.      "Pretty soon I'll have to be shopping at Dress Barn and Lane Bryant!"               
 Bitch, Please.  Shut the fuck up and go to Abercrombie and Bitch and get your skinny ass some clothes
                                                                                                                            

5.       "I don't think he's attracted to me since I got pudgy."        
Bitch, Please.  Go suck an egg.  Pudgy is the new Skinny.  'More Pudgin' for the Lovin'!!                                                                                                                
COPYRIGHT 2013 - bethsmithcomedy inc.                                                                                              

Better Jobs and Blow Jobs

Contemplating life this evening.
I had to get out of the ghetto
I had all these bites on my legs and thought I had the bed bugs!
Turns out my roommate's kitten had fleas and did you know that fleas can bite humans?
ugh.
So I stayed in a hotel until I ran out of money.
Then I had two choices:  To find a pimp and get paid for fellatio.
Or come back to my place in JC.

I chose the latter...but was seriously considering being a prostitute.
So now I'm out 500 bucks and back to trying to find a place in Georgia.
But then I was thinking....I wanna do something more drastic...like LA or New York.
So yeah, my options are open.
And I have plenty of time to figure it out.

I am loving being unemployed!
I can stay up all night masturbating and sleep till 2pm!
I can smoke weed all day.
Yeah, but if I want a job...might have to stop smoking the ol ganga for awhile.

I'm loving life right now...even though I've kind of hit bottom.
I'm trying to be optimistic though
They say when God closes a door....He opens a window!
So yeah.
Any suggestions on where to move to?
I've been researching comedians.  Where they grew up, where they got their start in comedy.
I've watched I Am Comic like 3 times.
And Heckler.
And Jerry Seinfeld's Comedian
I'm taking this comedy thing like a job.
I got all my books out
I've been studying the art of it.
Well not really, but that sounded good.

But seriously...I always wanted to do comedy more and now that I got fired...I have a chance!
But Johnson City is not the place for a comedian.
So I've got to move on.
I wish my parents would sell this place and buy me a trailer and then I could just roll it on down the road.
Or I was thinking
I want to be a stay-at-home mom.  Without the having a kid part.
I could meet some man....preferably with good health benefits....and get married and.
Ok yeah fuck that.
Who the hell wants to get married?
Most people don't make it 10 years
Or they are like my parents and have been married almost 50 years but don't have sex or talk to each other.
So yeah....
What about an actress?
I used to be hot.  I could get down to 140lbs again and be hot.
I auditioned for a movie once and my audition was laughable.  Hell I didn't know what I was doing.  And then I was like, "Do I have to say "g...d..." ?  I hate that.  That's taking the Lord's name in vain and I might cuss like a sailor at times...but I don't say that and hate hearting it
But I digress...........
I think I'm in love.
With a friend.
Story of my life.
blah, blah, blah.
Yeah this blog has no point.  Just rambling.  Listening to some Keith Whitley.
I don't like feeling like I have no plan.
I'm 31....I need a plan...and a man.
Or do I?
I really could care less about having a relationship.
But a girl has needs.
I need some sex.
This dildo is not cutting it.

But I digress.
I want to get better at the guitar and play my parodies that I wrote at open mics
I have so many dreams.
I have so much material that I've never even tried because I was afraid to say dick onstage.
I have about 10 bits about blow jobs.
(Those that know me will understand)
Speaking of blow jobs....do you know what sucks?
Besides me...ha!
Being turned down for a blow job!!
Man: "I'm just too worn out"
Me thinking to myself: "How much effort does it take to lay there and push your hand on a girl's head?"
I mean seriously people.  I can understand that people are too tired for sex.
But if a girl is offering you a blow job....why the hell would you turn it down?
It is too much work for you to sit on the couch while I get on my knees and almost puke because I'm trying to impress you by deep throating your cock?
I mean really?
Sheesh.

But I digress....
I've thought of some career options.
Cause I've figured out I have to get a day job while I'm doing this comedy thing...
So I can write a book on blow jobs.
Or finish my bipolar memoir.
Or finish school.  ha!  Boring.  Why the hell did I think I wanted to be a Psychologist.
I have enough problems...I can't listen to people tell me their problems.
I'd be like, "No girl!  Put down the penis!  Kick that man to the curb!"
And you can't really do that in therapy.
I know because I've been in therapy for over 10 years...ha!

Well I'm going to end this rant now.
I'll update you on my next roadtrip / adventure / craziness.
Peace out.

Crackheads be trippin'

Last night was quite an interesting night.  Ok so since I am poor, I couldn't afford to stay in a nice area.  So the area I'm staying in is not the greatest around the Atlanta area. Case in point:
Last night around 7pm, I ventured out to Walmart.  Well then I saw KFC and made a slight detour.  So I pull up in the Wal-Mart parking lot to eat my chicken and go get some necessities.  I wasn't there 30 seconds when this shady looking dude approaches my car with some kind of manila envelope and a pen.  Which with once glance I assumed he was soliciting something.  He looked like he was from Nigeria or somewhere.  So he was talking but I had my windows rolled up....And I shook my head No.  As in "Get your ass away from my window before I call the Po Po."  Well he walked away and I go back to eating my mac and cheese and biscuit.  And then here comes 3 more people.  One lady with a huge rolling suitcase.  And I started looking around thinking maybe a motel was nearby.  So one of the women comes up to my other window and starts asking for money (through the glass cause I wasn't about to roll down my window).  So I just kinda stare at her for a minute then I said, Oh Hell no...I'm getting outta here! and then I was thinking, "Am I in the hood or what?"  So I pull away and decide  that maybe Kroger is a better choice.
So I get to Kroger and finish my KFC.  I was people watching from my car for about 20 minutes.
I never did see a white person.  Ha!  Which was fine.  Just different to what I'm used to.  It's just different coming from a predominantly white town to a predominantly black town.  But I really like it.  Black people are cool and like Tupac and their trees.  Which I can relate to.  I have never dated a black guy.  But I really want to.  Had sex with a few.  But I digress....
I go into Kroger and get my little cart and start shopping.  I was back by the milk when I heard this voice go....."Psssst."  I turn to my right and this lovely crackhead woman is hiding trying to get my attention.  She then says, "You know you can use food stamps for all dat".  I said, "Excuse Me?"  So she gets all up in my personal space and puts her arm around me and asks me to buy her food stamps because she needed gas money.  I then played dumb and kept asking questions like I was some dumb blond that didn't know anything about food stamps and then finally said, "Isn't that illegal?" which she then preceded to walk away.
Gas in your car, crackhead?  Really?  That would be like me going up in Krispy Kreme and being like, "Hey man, can I have $2 to use the pay phone out here?"  When everyone knows good and well that this fat heffer gonna get her some donuts!
I've been chillin with my roomie and her sister all night and we've had so much fun.  That's another thing about black people - they are so much fun.  They are laid back and chill.  White people always be complainin all the time.  Single black females are strong and independent and don't rely on a man to make them happy.
White women be like,  "omg I gained. 3.7 pounds"  That's why I like my roomie.  She's older and more mature than me.  Just a strong, single, classy, black woman who's got her shit together.
Ok so I had went to my room and my roomie yells, "Beth you have a visitor!"
Apparently some brotha across the street had noticed me and wanted to meet me.  I wish I would have known I was going to meet me a cute brother.  I probably would have changed out of the My Little Pony shirt.and put on bra.  Ha!  But we smoked some ganja and talked for awhile.
Oh that's another thing I love about Georgia.  The weed is awesome!  Much better than in Tennessee.
So then I got bored and decided to put up a new Plenty of Fish profile and it is so refreshing to see different guys on there.  I think I got like 20 messages the first hour.  Only one white guy.  lol.  But then I was thinking....ain't nothin wrong with a brother.  I like having sex with em so why not date one? 
I don't know why I didn't move years ago?
It's awesome going out and just blending in to the city.. 
And I'm pumped about doing comedy.  I met some cool people at The Punchline.
I've always just done it here and there where I worked so much, but now I actually have a chance just to concentrate on it.
So moral of the story is that there are more blacks than whites here, but it's really chill and laid back.  I love it here!  Like seriously love it!  I didn't wanna stay in a ritzy condo and pretend I'm rich when I'm just living off my momma's money.  I feel more comfortable here. 
(And another plus is that black dudes dig fat white chicks, so you should see all the looks I get!....Maybe my dry spell will be over!)
I think I might go to Creflo Dollar's church in the morning.  I've always wanted to go to a mega church!
God is so good!   Thank ya Jesus for always providing and taking care of me!

Feelings Are Not Facts.

WARNING

The following Blog contains subject matter that may offend certain people.  This blog is in no way, shape, or form affiliated or associated with the company I am currently employed by and only expresses my current feelings dealing with my mental illness and the effects of my mental illness that may come off as as an "attitude" to some...in which I have the right to express my current feelings freely in blog form.

 I hate that my mental illness causes me to miss work and feel like there is something wrong with me.  I hate that people in my life are fucking backstabbers and nice to my face but talk about me behind my back.  I hate that I let myself get so upset when I find out people have a problem with me and my "attitude".  I hate that all is fine and hunky dory until someone asks "Are you ok?"
Well I thought I was fucking ok till you ask me if I'm ok as if there is something I'm doing wrong!!!!
I hate that question
"Hey Beth, is everything ok?"
Then I feel like an idiot trying to quickly figure out where the conversation is headed and what I have done wrong.
"Uh...yeah, I'm fine.  Why do you ask?"
Then find out that people have complained about me.
uh well, now I'm not fucking fine.  I'm pissed off and angry and drive my car 90mph just to blow off steam.

Apparently I have an attitude problem.
What fucking attitude?
That's what I keep asking myself.
As Michelle on Full House always said, "I'm a nice gurl."
I had no idea people have a problem with my "attitude".
And I hate that I am racking my brain and trying to recall every interaction with people recently just to try to see what people are interpreting as an attitude.
I'm like Madea in that movie "Madea Goes To Jail"

Everything was fine....or so I thought.
I have been going to work everyday and really making an extra effort because I love my job again and the clients all love me.
And now my coworkers who I thought were my friends are complaining about me???
WHAT THE FUCK!?
I can't win for losing.
I'm over it.
Don't put me under a fucking microscope just because I have had issues in the past.
I'm bipolar, bitches.
I am so proud of myself that I have kept this job for over 2 years.
That's a long time for someone living with a serious mental illness.
I'm tired of the bullshit.
I come to work and do my job.....and now I'm still getting in trouble?
Fuck it.
I don't send an email over everything that my co-workers do wrong
But I'm damn sure gonna start.
At least I do my job and get to work ON TIME.
Do unto others as they have done unto you is my new damn motto.
I'm about to move my happy, "ATTITUDISH" self out of this damn city and say Fuck You to everyone.
Stupid ass bitches be triflin'.
You say I'm crazy?
I got your crazy.