I have been in a sexual drought lately. And by lately I mean it's been over a year since penetration has taken place. I love being single, but I do miss the companionship and sexual benefits that a monogamous relationship offers.
So today I was super uber excited to see a former Friend with Benefits had contacted me on PlentyofFish. I said, "Hallelujah a gentleman caller has found me and penetration will now be received!"
But, alas...........the excitement wore off pretty quickly when he said, "I've thought about your great blow jobs alot...u r very talented"
Ten Years ago ~ I would have been proud ~ proud of my fellatio black belt but no. That is not something I want to hear. How about a "You look pretty" or "You've lost weight" or "You are so smart - that's awesome that you're almost done with your Bachelors in Clinical Psychology and applied to Law School."
I guess where I am getting old...turn 32 next Monday...and never married, I can sense red flags very quickly because in my 20s my standards were not high. My father and I never had a relationship so I sought to seek out love with anyone who'd let me seduce them because I didn't understand why my father wouldn't talk to me and favored my sister over me.. But I digress...
My guy best friend stops by so I'm thinking well I should just stand up this former Fwb I haven't seen in years like he did me the last time and I had got my whole hoo hah waxed and ready for action and spent 2 hours getting all primped up and yeah dude never shows and I end up having sex with myself.
But I thought I would be the Bigger person this time or above that - whatever that is called- and just let him know that I'll have to take a rain check thinking he would be fine with it since he has stood me up at least 3 times in the past. I get so mad and bitter over these men because "guys use me" ~ but after much reflection and prayer - I am realizing the men only let me do as much as I want. If I say no, then the men who are gentlemen take No as the final answer or if they don't I kick them in the balls and send them out the door. Like seriously...don't get me started on guys that grab your hand and say "see how horny you make me" and beg for a blow job or penetration or go down on your while your passed out and you wake up and say, "what the fuck are you doing?" and mr. molester says, "i'm sorry i haven't done it in a while." Should have squeezed his head with my thighs until he passed out stupid fuckin fucktard. Who the hell goes down on a woman without her consent? I am quite bitter about men at this time in my life in case you can't tell. But I digress....
HEY FUCKTARDS - Begging for sexual favors or money for gas or anything from a woman is an instant turn-off and you will be going home with blue balls and I don't care how many pictures you send me of your poor misshapen chewbacca looking "balls about to explode" because I didn't play with them like golf balls or suck on them. Sorry, buddy. Guess you're gonna have to handle that problem yourself. Suck it up, pussy. Stop being a little bitch and poutin' cause you can't get laid.
Look in the fucking mirror for once and say, "How's that working the fuck out for you, Self?" or "Why am I almost 40 and no one will marry me?" or "I just need to come out the closet because everyone in this town knows I'm a womanizing narcissistic man whore who also like to fuck guys."
LADIES ~ We can take back the power and raise our standards and you know what ~ I will never again say, "well it's just a blow job! nom nom nom nom..."
The Willow Ridge girls who were my clients informed me one night when
the people came for sex-ed and passed out loads of condoms, female
condoms, dental dams, and lubes about getting HPV in the throat that can cause throat cancer. Hell far! I could get throat cancer from semen like Michael Douglas did from going down and eating out his hot wife Katherine Zeta Jones. Did you know you can get cancer from swallowing too many loads of jiz!
Well the former fuck buddy wasn't too happy when I said that I was gonna watch the race and smoke and tried to make me feel bad by saying he left his kids to do laundry early so he could be here around 5. And then I Snapped. Not Oxygen channel Snapped...but Mentally snapped and my devil angel on my left shoulder overpowered my good angel on my right shoulder...
Since April 21st ~ day I cussed out cops and nurses and doctor in ER and fuckers at Woodridge who called a Doctor Strong on me even thought all I was doing was screaming and cussing but Lord forbid you raise your voice in this God-forsaken town. I got the fucking JCPD and MSHA Security escort across the road and then was committed for fourth time in psychiatric hospital. I said, "Just give me a GD chaperone and I'll walk my damn self out the road." Hot ER doctor said, "Maam you are going to have to calm down." I replied, "CALM DOWN? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CALM DOWN WHEN YOU ALREADY 5150'ed ME and I know I'm on an involuntary 72 hour hold? Whatcha gonna do now? Put me back in a straightjacket in the fucking padded room?" Then I said, "I wish you had fucking manic depression and been up for 5 fucking days in a row with no sleep." Seriously - shouldn't ER doctors be trained on bipolar disorder's mania and psychosis? I was in the Psych pod of the ER. That's just some fucked up shit when I had called 911 because I recognized I was in crisis mode and could not drive to my psychiatrist. I had hung up on the 911 dispatcher because I was like look I don't need any cops and she said they had to send them. Well when pretty boy copped banged on the door like I was some ratchety bitch on a COPS episode - I ran and hid. I was manic and was beginning to slip into the psychosis state of mania and I thought maybe if I hid they would go away. Negative. When I finally came outside, there is 4 cops with their hands on thier hips and I'm like "what the fuck? I said I had no weapons just my mace?" They dispatch 4 cops when over on the south side of JC people do bath salt drug deals in the street but a woman who has never been arrested and has no criminal history gets 4 cops cause I'm hysterically crying and having a panic attack and just needed help and called the National Suicide Prevention Line and wouldn't you know it - was routed to Frontier Health Crisis ~ where I worked at The CALM Center and crisis transport and knew that damn bitch and I asked for the Homicidal department and she kept saying, "This is Frontier Health Crisis ma'am." Which made me have more homicidal thoughts. Stupid cunt. But I digress....
Hey MSHA - maybe you need to train doctors and nurses about manic depression / bipolar disorder. It's not just moodiness. It's a fucking chemical imbalance in the brain and when you are in the "psychosis" state you are out of touch with reality and yes, verbally agressive. Bright hospital lights are painful and that's why I was wearing my sunglasses you fucking douchebag. Don't fucking tell a woman to "calm down" when 2 Valiums and a shot of Ativan in her fat ass didn't even phase her. And being by that damn nurses station? Maybe you need to remind your nurses that some psych patients are very smart and are not deaf and I heard every single conversation including the ones where your cunt nurses were laughing at me.
One security dude walks by and points at me and the nurse said, "she's the homicidal one." I was not homicidal, bitch. I just had homicidal thoughts but I would never harm anyone...hell far I cry when I accidentally step on a wooly worm.
But yeah, I have also cussed out about 4 former exes and friends with benefit dudes so you can see now why I don't fear anyone anymore. It's very liberating now that I am finally taking a stand for myself. When no one else stands up for you ~ all you have is Jesus ~ and that was all I needed and still need.
I was still manic as hell once I got out the bin and one night talked too much and got on my friends nerves but when he raised his voice at me ~ the devil came out again. I tackled him and yelled at the top of my lungs "I just spent 30 fucking bucks on Hardees! Get the Fuck out my GD House." I was pissed. But then an hour later I'm laughing at myself cause I had never pushed or over-powered a man. (He probably has a different story but he knows I won the fight.) But we have been friends over 10 years so he knows about my manic depression and sometimes bat shit craziness and that Woodridge always fucks me up more when I get out than before I went in so we were cool the next day and that was the first time I ever tackled or wrestled a guy and it felt pretty good.
I didn't know I could have called a damn taxi and committed myself. But of course I am going to be upset when I've been awake for 5 days and the ER nurses not giving me anything for anxiety. Stuck me right by that damn nurses station cause I'm the "crazy homicidal" girl. With a MSHA security standing outside my door and here I am with nothin but an ugly hospital gown that has ties in the fucking back. (Whoever invented those gowns need to make different ones for us big girls) and my sunglasses because after being awake for 5 days - bright fluorescent hospital lights are painful on the eyes. But yeah, I was the "homicidal" one they had to watch but you just can't stick me in a room with no tv and not give me any anxiety meds to calm down. But I don't want to get off on another tangent because it's just fucked up and they will reap what they have sowed cause I got me a lawyer and Jesus on my side, bitches.
So... back to this former fuck buddy fucktard. I told this mother fucker off because this same dude once stood me up a few years ago - got me all hot and bothered and I paid 90 fucking dollars for a Brazilian wax which is not just a bikini wax....It's the whole biscuit region and then you get on all fours and they wax your butt hair....So yeah...told another dude off.
Men tend to forget that women remember e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g as far back as how you treated us sweet girls in elementary school. I got emails and texts from 10 years ago still saved. Just in case someone contacts me and I can't remember why I stopped seeing them and I can pull up their file ~ok I don't have a file on all the losers I've met, just a select few - the ones who really fucked me over by cheating and/or borrowing lump sums of money and the stalker ones where I documented all the threats and texts and emails so I will have the documentation ready if a restraining order needs to be filed ~ but when I reminded dude of times he stood me up and asked why - he did not even apologize - just said, "I had some other issues. I just can't explain"
Which is code for : "
I fuck so many women I just can't remember standing you up because I was fucking someone else that night. "
But then I got really pissed when I even offered for him to come later tonight. But of course he had to be a little bitch and pout...and I wasn't going to apologize. I apologize too much when I haven't even done anything wrong! I told him maybe it was Karma. And he said, "sounds like planned Karma" Hey fuckety Fucktard! - I don't plan Karma, no one plans Karma. Karma is it's own bitch that will come back and bite you in the ass and maybe if you weren't such a manwhore douchebag ~ past fwb's would reinstate your benefits....but now that you had to be a little bitch.....You ain't ever gettin' these goodies again, fucker.
I am so done with these losers manipulating me to make me think I am the one with the fucking problem.
NEWSFLASH IT'S NOT ME .................IT'S YOU Fucktard!
Guys almost 40 and over 40 years old complain about us ladies. "She talks to much" or "She's a psycho fruitcase" or "She's one crazy bitch that has been committed to the looney bin 4 times" or "She has a male friend she must be fucking" or "I don't like your best friend - you can't hang with her anymore."
Stop your bitchin' and don't be a Pussy and get mad and pout or get in a rage because you don't FUCK with a woman's heart or wallet. And next time, mother fuckers, I ain't going back toWoodridge. So call me crazy to my face you stupid fucker. NEWSFLASH: I'm a comedienne. I get paid to be crazy, you fucking psycho stalker. Oh that's right - you never came to any of my performances because you cheated on me the whole damn time we were together. Damn I hate guys who think they are hot shit with their Hayabusa's and Harley's and oh I own a house! um yeah, but no woman is ever gonna move in to that house and be your wife because you are almost 40 and never married but still blame all your issues on the women you date! What the fuck was I thinking ~ falling in love with some fat-ass-former-semi-pro-football-think-you're-hot-shit-ex-cop-fucktard-douchebag who has had stalking charges filed on him in the past?! Who said, "Do not ever contact me again you fucking crazy ass bitch!" First of all, sir, I did not contact you. You contacted me first wanting a "body pic" then a blow job. Then he said, "You WAS a waste of time from day one!" Someone needs to tell the Tennessee State Board of Education that Carter County students are not learning how to use proper grammar.
Hey fucktard - Grow some balls and
Grow the fuck up. Put on your
Big Boy Briefs and suck it up.
Admit your faults and go see a therapist. And Ladies: fuck dating a man that abuses you. Emotional abuse is still abuse just like physical abuse. Do not let a man control your every move and if he starts questioning your whereabouts if you are apart for an hour or tells you what clothes you should wear or puts you down and belittles and disrespects you those are RED FLAGS of jealousy and if they began early in a relationship ~ you might as well be findin' a nice pen to sign your divorce papers in about 5 years. And then on the polar opposite. Don't date a pussy guy that will not stand beside you when you face hard times and adversity. Date a real man who loves God and knows how to love you and treats women with respect and dignity. If he disappears as soon as your social worker from Woodridge calls him and tells his co-workers who were your friends and former co-workers that you are "getting the help you need" and that even though you are pretty you have "too much drama" . But yeah, not going to discuss my unrequited lover any more because that was 10 years ago when I fell in love. Wasted way too many tears on him and went insane after losing my virginity and finding out he was a manwhore then went insane when he got married. His wife was smart and left him and now he is reaping what he sowed and I would never disrespect myself and be with a narcissistic man like that again. I've met some really great guys lately and I am trusting God to place a man in my life with morals and who is loyal and not a womanizer. A man who not only reads his Bible ~ but applies the scripture to his life.
This town is fucked up. Guys stick their dick in anything and then the good girls are at home with raging hormones and are forced to buy a big dildo because the guys she likes are fucking the whores and old bitches from up north who try to sing the blues who have never even known the fucking blues.
I'm singing "Folsom Prison Blues" and "Hurt" by Johnny Cash in the Cedar Unit up in Woodridge on a 2 inch mattress and rubber pillow. That is the fucking blues, bitch.
to be continued..................................
