Sometimes I used to wonder why God was holding out on sending me a mate. Well not necessarily sending...but placing that special guy in my path. Sending sounds like Mr. Right is just gonna show up and ring my doorbell like the UPS guy. I did in the past want kids but now I don't ever see myself having kids. I love being the cool aunt with Kate and Nicholas. But I've been praying a lot the past few years for God to be preparing my future husband with a lot of patience and empathy because I can be quite a handful at times. And then you add on the bipolar disorder and at times life can be like a roller coaster ride, even though I'm on medication.
But it's like, I know I eventually want to settle down and get married....but is it OK that in the meantime I have friends with benefits? I mean I know it's ok. But hear me out. I feel like the Southern Baptist church brainwashed me into thinking how bad of a sin pre-marital sex is. I had my True Love Waits Bible as a teenager. I wore the ring that said, "True Love Waits". I signed some kind of pledge at church. I even took this Lady in Waiting Bible Study weekend thing, but ended up having some kind of psychotic episode and had to leave early because I was screaming out profanities and it felt like I was having a heart attack which later I found out it was a bad panic attack. But anyway, although I became slightly promiscous orally at 18, I didn't have sex until I was 21. Then another time I became a "secondary virgin"...google it...another religious thing....and I bought another damn ring. Months later, however, I ended up having sex with the ring on so that stupid ring was a waste of money. I thought the ring would make me enforce my no-sex policy, but it didn't.
But seriously, I don't get why I'm still single at times. Is God punishing me for being somewhat picky those years when I was hot and overlooked some really great guys? Or all those wasted years pining over the unrequited lover which led to a hard time trusting men and opening up and being vulnerable...am I doomed to never have a normal, monogamous relationship? with mutual love and respect?
It's like I'm ok with being single for the most part. It's just the loneliness gets to me sometimes. Maybe I should just get a roommate. Or more cats. I can go without sex. Hell far, my pattern is usually: Have sex then be celibate for 3 years then have sex and be celibate for 2 years. I miss having someone to spoon! I've been so horny lately and it seems the guys who are my fwb's just want to mess around when it's convenient for them. And why am I always driving to their place? If a guy wants some pussy or a blow job, shouldn't he come to my place or at least alternate?
I recently had sex for the first time in 2 years. And it was wonderful but I'm beginning to think I should have just stayed celibate. Because it seems as if I am constantly thinking about sex now. Hyper sexuality is a part of bipolar disorder at times but this feels different than that. So what's a chronically single girl supposed to do?
I believe that the Bible is the Word of God. I may be a "wordly" Christian and am no longer religious but more spiritual...but I do believe in the Bible. And in the Bible, can't remember the book or verse, it says something like It's better to marry than to burn with passion. Jesus didn't say it I don't think. I can't remember who said it. I'm thinking Paul.
But I'm freaking burning with passion so why is Mr. Right not making an appearance, God? I just don't get it. I mean if I go by some verses in the Bible that relate to pre-marital sex...I don't know. There's just no way to not have sex. What if I fucking stay single until I'm 50! What if I stay celibate then the trumpet sounds and Jesus comes back to get us and I find out once I get to heaven that Jesus is cool with pre-marital sex? I would be pissed. Unless you can have sex in heaven. Wait, wonder if we can have sex in heaven?!
I think I need to remember my favorite Bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
So I truly believe that verse and since I believe God has a plan for my life, I should not feel sorry for myself some days and wonder why I'm almost 36 years old and haven't been in a relationship in almost 10 years. Sure, I've been out on many dates and I get my needs met...every 2 or 3 years...but an actual dating relationship...nope. And I think that's partly because I became a recluse after I got fired from the rehab in 2013. And partly because I've gained like 200 pounds over the years.
But anywho I digress.
I don't know why I started writing this post. I guess the stupid Valentines Day holiday this week has got me thinking about Love. And I guess just to reiterate the fact to myself that it's ok to be single. It's not some flaw in my character or because I have a mental illness that I'm single. Millions of people with mental illness are married or have a significant other. I shouldn't put a time limit on marriage by saying to myself.."I have to be married by age 40." Some people don't marry until their 50s!
I need to remind myself daily that God has a plan for my life...including a plan for me to have a significant other. And even though I may not see it yet, God is working at all times in my life and love life. I need to trust Him more. I need to pray for guidance, strength, and patience. And also pray that during my hyper-sexual mood swings I stay away from the penis. I deserve better than someone who just wants a physical relationship. It would be fine if that's all I want. But I want more. I think if I'm wanting a committed relationship, I just shouldn't be out here hooking up with friends and potentially catching feelings. Because then it becomes weird because the guy only sees me as a booty call while in my mind I'm picturing us dating and making plans and all kinds of crazy things. It's happened too many times and I don't want to fall into old patterns. So I guess I'm just going to go back to being celibate.
Fuck.
I hate when I start writing and think I'm just writing a positive, biblical post and then it becomes cathartic and I figure out what I need to do.
Jesus better be takin' the wheel soon though, because I know when I get those late night texts...It's going to be hard to resist the men.
On a brighter note, I finally found the dildo I bought years ago. Still in the plastic. I named him. :-)
