I never thought the day would come when I’d be handcuffed in
the back of a police car. The symptoms started when I was 18, but I chose to
ignore them. My senior year of high school I began not being able to function
and attend school. I had always made good grades, but suddenly I wasn't even
able to get out of bed. I was sent to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for
adolescents and diagnosed with depression.
I was so embarrassed when everyone in my senior class found out about my
trip to the “looney bin.”
But I managed
to graduate with a 3.9 GPA andI went on to college, but began having trouble
concentrating.
Instead of making my usual
straight A’s, I was struggling to pass. I would go on shopping sprees and go
for a week with
almost no sleep. Then
there would be times where I would stay in bed for days.
Small tasks like showers became impossible
and although I wasn't suicidal, I started focusing on death.
I thought my death would be good because I
would go to Heaven and meet Jesus, but I kept thinking my mom would miss me and
then I didn't even know how I would even come up with a suicide plan
I had delusional thoughts an d an over-confidence
and felt as if I could conquer the world!
In the back of my mind I had
diagnosed myself with bipolar disorder. My major in college was psychology so I
knew I had all the symptoms. However, I was in denial and instead of seeking
help, I started self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. I felt like as long as
I could get high, I could escape from reality and not have to deal with my
emotional problems.
During this time, I
met a man at work and started falling in love.
I was suddenly happy and I became manic and then my mania became worse because now I had lost my virginity
and thought I had found Mr. Right! I had
been up for about a week straight and that led to the worst day of my life. I
don’t know how someone can be in touch with reality one hour then slip into a
psychotic state the next, but as I recall, that’s how it happened. After
breaking windows and basically destroying my parents’ house and jumping in a
pond, I called the cops and went on a rant and cussed them and hung up. Of course they sent an officer to
respond and after being handcuffed then put in a straightjacket, I was sent to
a psychiatric hospital and diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1 at the age of
21. I was held against my will for 7 days. Yes, Seven Days. It was pure hell. There were nice nurses and doctors, but one nurse had it out for me and one night when I couldn't stop crying she paged the doctor at 3 am and next thing I know, I was escorted to a padded room. Just because I couldn't stop crying.
When I got out of the psych hospital, I thought I could return to my normal life with the guy I was crazy about. But he disappeared as soon as he got word that I had to go to a
mental hospital. I felt so alone. Not only was I having to accept the fact that
I was bipolar, a college dropout, and without a job, but now someone I thought
had cared for me didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I truly thought
that no guy would ever want to be in a relationship with me because I would be
too much "drama". But I still
had hope. I knew God had a plan and that
not every day is going to be sunshine and roses and not every guy is going to
fall in love with me and share the same feelings. So I started praying and asking God to help
me get through the days and weeks to come. I
tried to move on with life, but in 2007, finding out about my unrequited
lover’s marriage led to another manic episode and a change in my psychotropic
medications. I was beginning to get fired from good jobs because I was so out of
touch with reality that I couldn’t even function at work. After I came down from the mania, I decided
it was time to let go and let God. I watch Joyce Meyer every morning and one
morning she said "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of
the boat.” So I joined a gym and managed
to lose 50 pounds. I kept a full-time job and enrolled back in school studying
psychology. I had been seeing a therapist and taking my medication daily, but I
still needed something more.
So I started writing. First I started writing out my
thoughts. But then I looked at my writings and decided it was time to speak up
and tell my thoughts to the world. So I put together about 5 minutes of
material and went to my first open mic night at a comedy club. I was so nervous,
but I absolutely loved it! I found that it was incredibly cathartic being on
stage, even more so than talking to my therapist! The more I got on stage, I
could tell that my self-esteem slowly started building back up. I can’t recall
when I’ve ever been that happy!
In September of 2013 I was fired for the seventh time from
an Alcohol and Drug Rehab.
I am taking
that as a sign from Our Creator that I should pursue my stand-up comedy
career.
I now try to find the humor in
each situation I go through. And most importantly, I now understand that there
is nothing wrong with me!
Bipolar
disorder is just a chemical imbalance in the brain. If someone doesn't want to
be in a relationship with me because of that, then they are the one with the
problem. I deserve more than just a "friends with benefits / fuck buddy" relationship. Now I look
forward to meeting someone to share my future with that will accept me for who
I am, mental illness and all!
And you
know what?
I never would have started
doing stand-up comedy if it weren't for the racing thoughts in my head caused
by bipolar disorder. I like being bipolar. It makes me quirky and I like being
quirky!
I’m so glad I decided to stand up and speak
out and let people know that it doesn’t matter if you’re a little “crazy.”
Being “crazy” pays!
